Melissa Francis : Bitchin' Fiction!

Thursday, May 23, 2013
BITCHIN FICTION

For the time being, you can find me here: http://bitchinfiction.wordpress.com

I'm working on redirecting all my website pages there, but if you come to my blog directly you will not see anything current after this post unless you click on the link above.

Peace, bitches.

posted by Mel Francis @ 3:43 PM | | links to this post

Wednesday, May 22, 2013
School's OUT FOR SUMMER

congratulations Rader Patric on making it to your Sophomore year. Momma's a little proud of her Gomer.

Labels: being awesome, kids, lurve

posted by Mel Francis @ 1:14 PM | | links to this post

Tuesday, May 21, 2013
weighing in

I have resisted this topic as long as possible. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm furious. And I'm ready to bomb.com the ugliest man on earth.

It's like Gary Busey and Bif from BACK TO THE FUTURE had a hate orgy with Donatella Versace...

and the product was a baby named Mike Jeffries.

And I'm not just talking about his face--which, I totally could be. Mostly, this man is ugly on the inside.

By now we've all read his remarks. But just for the record, let me post them for you here:

That’s why we hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that.

In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. But then you become totally vanilla. You don’t alienate anybody, but you don’t excite anybody, either.

Looks aside, because seriously, we all have our own cross to bear...WHO THE FUCK IS HE KIDDING?

You see, I have no problem with A&F having an exclusionary market. Many, many stores do. I do have a problem when A&F (and other stores) reducing their clothing sizes so that even average women can't wear them. Believe it or not, I wear a large TShirt. A&F's Large (even men's large) is barely a medium.

This is why girls put such unrealistic goals on themselves and their natural body size/shape. A girl who is normally a size 10, thinks she's supposed to be a size 8 or size 6 and is ashamed of herself for being "too big." And let's face it, since when should a size 10 be considered BIG? Holy crap!

And may the gods bless Ellen Degeneres who uses her beautiful size-tiny self and her beautiful humor to make the point that if we continue to allow the retailers to get away with subtracting sizes to make their clientele skinnier and more "cool" then what's going to be next? Negative sizes? Are we going to be starving ourselves to get into a size -2? Just be happy and healthy with who you are. She's funny. And she's right.

Let me give you a personal example

Here are Marilyn Monroe's measurements:

Height: 5 feet, 5½ inches
Weight: 140 pounds (the majority of her career)
Bust: 35-37 inches
Waist: 22-23 inches
Hips: 35-36 inches
Bra size: 36D

I will have you know, when I got married, these measurements were almost identical to mine. (my waist was a 26.) I was literaly 36-26-36

A perfect hourglass.

I was mortified because I thought I was fat. I was a size 10. Starving to get myself into a size 8. I was working out 7 days a week and struggling with everything in my body to try to get to 135 and stay there. (Because 140 was fat)

And this is what NO girl should ever have to go through. I was in my 20s and still struggled with it. Imagine being 14...and not having the emotional stability or the wherewithal to handle this type of pressure.

What's the point of all this? We need to teach our children to love themselves for who they are. We need to teach ourselves the same thing. And we all need to learn that there is beauty in every size and we have got to stop letting the retailers and morons like Mike Jeffries tell us that fat kids aren't cool. Because that ain't cool, Dude.

If you're beautiful on the inside, you're beautiful on the outside. If you're not, no clothing in the world is gonna help you, no matter what size you are.

Mike Jeffries needs to sit his "cool" ass down on a therapy couch and try to fix his inside parts before he starts throwing stones at us ugly, uncool, fat folks.

Labels: bitchy mcbitchypants, fatchicks, let love rule, mike jeffries, rants, wtf

posted by Mel Francis @ 11:47 AM | | links to this post

Tuesday, May 14, 2013
ketchup.

As in, let's "ketchup"!

Ugh. that was horrible. And now I want fries.

First off, happy belated mother's day to all the moms who don't suck.

Check out my awesome Mother's Day gift that my cool boys got for me.

They tried to find me the perfect flamingo they said, but this is perfect. Me gusta mucho.

Update on the spider bite:

Friday I woke with a super swollen and painful arm. Weird. But it's probably because Walgreens sucks now that they've purchased all the USA Drugs and they never seem to be able fill a prescription timely anymore. Apparently they were out of my antibiotic and didn't bother to tell me prior to texting me that my prescription was ready. So when we get there, they let us know it'll be ready tomorrow. And it was...around 5:30 pm. Which allowed the toxin/infection another 24 hours to grow. And so, I was pitiful and whiny on Friday while I waited for the meds to kick in.

Saturday I was all better, so I cleaned up my yard.

OH...Why was I cleaning my yard? Because another Hammered McHammerstein decided to drive through a tree in my front yard. She was on Xanax, not booze. That didn't stop her from getting arrested. Trust me. Here's some pictures, and if you want real entertainment, watch the video at the end of my blog. Yes. She was followed and filmed. It's kinda like my own personal episode of COPS.

So I sawed up the giant holly bush she mowed over, and Jefe finally got to the tree in the back yard that broke during the ice this winter. We did LOTS of sawing. And hauling. And I still need to get the left over car debris from the yard before I mow... yippee.

And Mother's Day started with pancakes and ended with cheese dip with a lot of John Deere time in between. All with my boys... THESE ARE SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS!

Now, for your viewing pleasure...Hammered Driving:

Labels: assholes, gardening, goofy, mother's day, spiders, the compound, you tube

posted by Mel Francis @ 9:50 AM | | links to this post

Thursday, May 09, 2013
yo. whassup? nothin' much over here

Except for my gross swollen arm from a spider bite.

Stupid spiders. No wonder I hate you so much.

So here I am, back on antibiotics. Thankfully, just one day of the antibiotic cream and the swelling and redness has gone down. I have to pick up my oral meds today, apparently they were out. Yes, I know. Go figure...So glad I wasn't concerned about sepsis or anything.

Mother's Day is this weekend. The boys are taking me to brunch that morning, and then we're spending the day together while Jefe works.

I'm so sleepy today. I blame the Benadryl which I had to take last night because of my grody spider bite. (grody is an official scientific term.) Stupid grody spider.

That's why I love this so much: Spiders are Scary. It's OK to be afraid of them.

In other news, Ruby is still Ruby.

Hope y'all have had a spider-free week. If not, I hope you were able to get the bastard before it got you.

Labels: mother's day, spiders, the 4-legged family members

posted by Mel Francis @ 8:10 AM | | links to this post

Thursday, May 02, 2013
Good? vibrations...

I must be putting off some kind of weird vibe or pheromone this week. Seriously. The creepers are coming out of the woodwork! And it's not just me...several of my friends have had weird creeper messages, FB inboxes, texts, and experienced generally inappropriate behaviors from strangers.

Maybe it's the planetary alignment or something. Isn't there an eclipse coming up? That's gotta be why the weirdos are making themselves known.

Hmmm. The Solar Eclipse isn't until the 10th. Are we gonna have to deal with the crazies until then?

I'm in another goofy mood today. I think the barometric pressure is getting to me! Or maybe, I'm feeling a little wacky because the weather dudes are predicting snow in Northwest Arkansas for tomorrow. SNOW???? in May!? It's supposed to be cold on Friday night, possibly in the 30s. WTF happened to spring? This has been the strangest weather pattern I've ever seen in my life.

It's Thursday...Let's get this weekend started early, shall we? And creepers beware. I'm in no mood for your awkward and socially unacceptable propositions. Move along to someone who actually requires attention to feed their insecurities and make themselves feel better... Your services are not needed here.

Labels: creepy, goofy, weather

posted by Mel Francis @ 10:04 AM | | links to this post

Wednesday, May 01, 2013
in the world of WTF?

Look. I get it. I'm funny. I joke a lot. I'm sexy and awesome and have lots of fun. People dig me.

So, when you friend me on FB and ask me just how "liberal and open are you?" and then proceed to proposition me to "help you and your wife out in the bedroom." I need you to understand that is immediate grounds for a big Facebook Block.

Also, when you proposition someone that you haven't seen since 9th grade? You might wanna be good looking. Or at least, not gross. No wonder you guys need help in the bedroom.

Probably it would help your mission if you didn't post racist comments on the person's page that you're propositioning. Especially AFTER said person asked you to stop. Because THAT SIR, is a huge turn off.

I'd tell you to go get fucked, but obviously, you're trying. Just without any hope of success.

And one more thing...all the "Incest Likes" on your page? Not helping your cause either. I am obviously not THAT open or liberal.

I need a shower.

In other Facebook world, this blog post made me LOL.

25 Common Facebook Statuses and What They REALLY Mean

Truth in sarcasm. My favorite.

Facebook. It's making people look dumber and dumber everyday. C'mon people, it's social media. Use it for fun. Stop being so damn stupid.

Okay, I'm off to the gym where I shall sweat off the grossness of my indecent proposal. Have a happy humpday! (hahahaha! How appropriate)

Labels: assholes, exercise, facebook, I'm funny, wtf

posted by Mel Francis @ 11:51 AM | | links to this post