Monday, February 28, 2011
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Friday, February 25, 2011
Now his friends call him Nemo. He's all growed up and stuff. His butt no longer fits into the palm of my hand (not that I've tried, but I'm fairly certain that's an accurate statement) and now he's wearing his first suit for tonight's Winter Formal.
I'm a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Once upon a time, there was a feisty-once-blonde-now-red-head named Melf. Oh wait, that's a fairytale beginning...this isn't a fairytale!
2009 was a big year for me. My second book was due in February and in early January, it was barely half written. I started working part-time, was still a full-time mother, and had long ago forgotten what sleep was. I was falling into a very deep depression because my 16 year marriage was falling apart and then in March, I was gonna be 40 years old.
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Labels: month of mel
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Remember: A Mel-a-Day will keep the Doctor away!
I'm really stoked about this year's Month of Mel! Lots of fun will be had by all. There will be a half-marathon, a birthday, a birthday celebration, a tattoo (possibly. Might have to wait til April...) tiaras, pedicures, A MANICURE! (Lola-the-ToeGirl just gasped. She's been after me to do "something with my God-awful hands" for a while. Or as I like to say, my Man Hands.) We'll have feathers, confetti, stories, pictures and ENDLESS fun.
I'm going to start off the Month of Mel by treating myself to a trip to my favorite online store: Pinup Girl Clothing
You know what's great about being a full hourglass figure? Being able to wear sex-on-a stick clothing from Pinup Girl. Dangerous, curves ahead...
My first purchase will be a bathing suit because I have a girls' trip to the beach in May... and I need something new to celebrate.
I'm leaning toward the cherries...
There's also a 2 peice cherry that I love a whole lot but I'm not sure I'm ready to be that dangerous. (okay, I'm not sure the world is ready for it...)
Are you ready for THE MONTH OF MEL? (is anyone ever really ready?)
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I don't know where any of this came from. I do know that the dream ended with my plane going down in flames and I had to save myself and my patient.
So I hooked myself and dude up to our parachutes, and tossed him out of the plane, then I jumped out after him. Of course, my chute was completely buggered but somehow I managed to dive toward dude, attach myself to him and open his chute...thereby being a heroine of epic proportions. All the while still looking really damn hot in my nurse's uniform.
It's my dream, and I'd appreciate it if you'd just play along. Mkay? Thanks.
Today I plan to walk 4 miles at lunch. Don't know if I can do 6 again...mainly because I don't have the time. But also because my legs hate me today. But they can just keep on hating me...because I have an image to uphold. I can't continue to wear a hot nurse's uniforms in my dreams (and be a kick ass mercenary/angel of mercy) if my legs don't look good...
Monday, February 21, 2011
So the Little Rock Half-Marathon is in 13 days...and I'm a bit behind in my training thanks to the snow.
Birdrunner mentioned a program for the iPhone called Runkeeper so I downloaded the app and tried it out. It's pretty nifty. You can turn on the verbal cues that will tell you your progress as you go. I have to say, it's quite motivating because when my time was slowing down, I would pick up the pace and run.
Yeah. Me. Running. (stop laughing. Yes. Even you.) Okay, it's more like "running" but still it's a bit faster than "meandering."
Today I did 6 miles in 1 hour and 22 minutes. Not gonna win any races at that pace and I'll only be given nicknames like Speedracer or Speedy Gonzales ironically, but hey. Whatever. It works for me.
When the half is over, I'm gonna get a pedicure and possibly a massage. Because dammit, I will deserve both! :)
Go Team Melf!
In weekend news, it was obviously HEY LET'S WATCH CRAPPY MOVIES weekend, because damn did we not have any luck in the rental department. I didn't find Dinner with Schmucks funny at all. I thought The Other Guys had its moments, and I did laugh out loud a few times, but overall, it wasn't a winner. And if you want to watch an amazingly well acted movie that can only be described as painfully depressing, then please watch For Colored Girls. It was seriously one of the most depressing movies ever on earth. Probably even more depressing than The Road and that movie had cannibals in it. And also nobody bathed...
The only movie that was a success was The Social Network. It was well acted and enjoyable. I really like Jessie Eisenberg a lot. But if you wanna see a fantastic movie that he was in, check out Adventureland. It's fantastic.
Hope you guys had a great weekend~
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Then...the oldest nerd is gonna help me in the yard. There's gonna be a burnin' today!
This is one of my favorite times of the year. We burn twice a year for the most part. And today, we're gonna have our spring fire.
It's gonna be awesome. We have marshmallows.
In other news, next week I'll be speaking at The Fiction Writers of Central Arkansas meeting. Check out my Author Page on Facebook or the article posted Arkansas Times for info!
And while you're checking out my author page, you may as well click the LIKE button. You know you want to...
Friday, February 18, 2011
Yesterday I wore a cleavage dress and I will admit that my girls looked pretty good. It was a good boob day. (I know, you're asking if there is ever a bad boob day--trust me, there is.) They weren't all out there in their own zipcode and they weren't pandering at the corner, but they also weren't wearing wallpaper and blending into the background either.
I'm used to the occasional glance of appreciation and even the occasional "HELLO THERE" stare. What I am NOT used to and will NEVER be used to is the leer.
And yesterday, while sitting at THE LONGEST STOP LIGHT EVER, I was the recipient of a leer.
A really creepy, old dude in a moving truck leer.
You know how you just know when someone in the car next to you is staring and you don't wanna look over at them but then you do anyway? Yeah, that's what happened and I wish I hadn't. Ugh.
Finally, the light changed and I moved forward only to have Mr. McLeeryPants driving at the same pace. Still leering. And possibly drooling a little while he was mouth-breathing. Gross. Close your mouth, CroMagnon. Thanks.
So I did what any smart girl in my situation would do. I hit the brakes and he flew right by...
Then I gave him the inverted finger:
Then I requested a fly by from the tower and was denied. But I did it anyway and made the dude spill coffee on his uniform and after getting my ass properly handed to me, I went to the beach to watch a little volleyball action.
Best end to the day ever... (the scene is in Spanish which just adds a little spice...)
Hope you guys have a great weekend!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Thanks, brain. You are awesome.
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Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Let's see if I can work all of the title into a blog:
I woke up feeling pretty darn great today. That's always a bonus, especially since yesterday I felt pretty crappy all day. My nose was all stopped up yesterday so there was lots of blowin' goin' on.
The last two days I've woken to the smell of roses, which means I'm rising and shining with a happy smile. I highly recommend you try this at home--it's pretty darn awesome.
I have spring fever so bad I can taste it. (or smell it... ☝) Thank goodness the snow is all gone. I'm about to call Lola the Toe Girl and schedule my post-winter pedicure. I'm trying to decide on my first color of the season. I'm really digging the OPI Texas Collection for 2011....And I'm torn between 3
I'm pretty drawn to Austin-tacious Turquois, Y'all Come Back Ya Hear?, and Guy Meets Gal-veston...
The post-winter pedicure is very important because it marks the beginning of my annual Feet & Leg pictures... And let's face it, nobody wants to see crusty feet, nasty toes, or ashy legs when you're posting pics of them on the internetwebz...
And finally, I have some much needed time with my girls tonight and tomorrow. (ie: the hos or is it hoes? It's not ho's....because even though my hos possess many awesome things, in this sentence it is plural and not possessive...) Well, I'm sticking with hos because even though we've all collected our share of tools over the years, none of us are actually a garden utensil.
There! I did it. I made my title match my blog. I am awesome. And I rhymed. I could probably continue, but I think I'll just let it go(es)...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Actually, I don't have a problem with Valentine's Day, but then, I'm not the kind of person who needs a holiday to give a gift or send a card. Or write a little note.
I'm a giver like that. <---->no comments necessary from the peanut gallery. *ahem*, that means YOU.-->
The problem with being a giver is I get sooooo excited sometimes that I can't even wait to give the gift. Like last weekend, I found this awesome Hot Wheels Airship and I had planned to just leave it somewhere for El Jefe to find after I left for the weekend...but of course, I pretty much walked in the door and was all "I totally have something awesome for you here let me show you it!" (and I'm sure I said it as all one word...)
Heh. What's a girl to do?
Anyway, El Jefe and I did our V-Day stuff over the weekend (it's lovely waking to the scent of roses in the morning...)so yesterday it was all about my friends and my kids. And we had a great time, eating food we shouldn't be eating and laughing a lot.
Not really sure how that's any different from any other day, but whatevs. It was the Day of Love and we had a lovefest.
Then we piled into my bed and watched Mike and Molly and Hawaii 5-0 while Kitty G entertained herself by boxing the mirror and playing with a hairband. FOR HOURS. (Have you watched Mike and Molly yet? That show is so funny!)
I hope you were treated to something very special and that the only coupons involved were from a book of love...
Monday, February 14, 2011
My puckers were not the prettiest of lips today. I tried...OH how I tried to get the right pucker. But...It just wasn't happening.
I really wanted to send the perfect pucker:
But it was blurry and the lighting was weird. Would El Jefe care about all that? No. But I did.
So I tried again...different lights; different angles; different distances from the lips...
THOSE pics will not be seen by anyone. Mostly I just looked like I had been punched in the face. Not very romantic...
So I went a different route. I sent him a note, S.W.A.K (you remember sealed with a kiss if you were around anywhere near the 80s...) And I texted him a Valentine's Day smile... which is much better than a punched-in-the-face pucker any day.We went to Oaklawn with some friends on Saturday. It was the perfect day to introduce El Jefe to the art of throwing your money away on the pretty ponies. He actually won some, so it wasn't a total bust. :) We had a great time, and the weather was awesome. OMG soooo awesome.
I almost wore my new sexy shoes to work today, but it isn't quite close enough to spring to be wearing them yet. Even if the weather was pretending to be open-toed shoe weather...the reality is, it's still February and I do have some sense... (for the record, they look fantastic with my brown pencil skirt...)
Happy love day everyone!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
In other awesome news, my Mac finally died. So now I'm snowed in without a computer. This does not bode well.
I'm testing out this blogging via email thing. Let's hope it works. (attempt #5 Million)
The good news is the sun is bright and even though it's cold, the white stuff should start melting soon. And Oaklawn swears they are running this weekend. Fingers crossed.
NOT Sent from my iPhone because I couldn't get it to work to save my snowbound life.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
I get a lot of MILF GENERATION or just MILF searches which usually takes them a blog from 2009 which features a Star Trek Next Generation corset. It's sexy. And one day, I plan to wear it. BTW, I've now found a Darth Vader corset that might actually win out over the TNG corset...Oh yeah. Happy Halloween indeed.
Sorry. I lost my concentration for a moment.
Lately, one of the most common searches has been for feet. Now, look, I love pretty feet. I post pics of my shoes and my pedicures all the time. And the hands down, most popular google search has been MELISSA FRANCIS FEET and it takes them to this post. And this post from 2008 when I was partying in Boston (and when I was blond...)
What's the common denominator in both blogs? This picture:
the internetwebz loves shoe porn. (so, which feet are mine in the foot orgy?)
I love shoe porn, too. Which brings me to my latest purchase. A shoe that I have fallen in love with. A shoe that makes my feet look sexy, my legs look long, and makes me almost 6 ft. tall. This is a that shoe I'm having to practice walking in because it's higher than anything that has ever been on my feet. (never thought I'd see the day that I almost look down on El Jefe, unless I was standing on a ladder.)
And a shoe, that I seriously was able to purchase at LuLu's in Oxford for 75% off...bringing the grand total to $15...which means even if I never walk in these shoes, they were worth the price.
There you go, internetwebz. Enjoy your newest google hit when you search Melissa Francis Feet. You're welcome.
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
When my daddy was teaching me to drive, one of the things he drilled into my head was that other people can't drive, so I had to always drive defensively. In other words, watch out for the idiots on the road.
Today, I was the defensive driving queen. And I also did a whole lotta yelling. (btw, according to my #1 kid (in birth order, not preference), I'm very funny when I'm filled with road rage)
Do you know why there are early morning traffic jams near on ramps? BECAUSE THE IDIOTS ON THE ACCELERATION RAMP DON'T ACCELERATE. THEY STOP. AND THEY CAUSE THE REST OF THE TRAFFIC TO STOP SO THEY CAN GET OFF THE RAMP AND INTO TRAFFIC. Dudes. Merging is not an art. It's common sense. And if you don't have the common sense to merge, then please get off the road.
Black ice. It is the devil. I hate it. It's scary, especially if you have to put your brakes on because traffic is stopping and in your path is a big patch of it. And you better hope that you don't have to stop ON the ice because that won't happen.
So why, oh why are all these people driving too fast for conditions and then slamming on their brakes and almost slamming into me? Why oh, why do they act like that's my fault as they try to buy me a new bumper. Or buy me a new driver's side door? Yes, I'm responsible for your idiot ways. It's all me. I'm magic like that.
My wit was super witty this morning. It was filled with awesome and verve. It made my kids simultaneously laugh and cry. My road rage filled the air with black smoke tinged with hate and venom and all the unicorns became sick and the rainbows became colorless.
Gray rainbows are so depressing. As are dying unicorns.
So I'm currently working on ways to end my rage-filled mood. My first idea was soundly rejected. It had something to do with El Jefe jumping into his truck and driving 3.25 hours to bring me one of his Bloody Marys. You think I was asking too much? C'mon! My rage is killing unicorns!
Fine. Let the unicorns die. See if I care...
Okay, I care. I think I'll just go to Damn You Auto Correct and read until I laugh away the rage. That always seems to work.
When the color returns to the rainbows, and the unicorns begin to frolick again, remember to thank me.
Monday, February 07, 2011
The bad new is, the stupid weather people are predicting more stupid snow tomorrow night and Wednesday. Like 6-10 inches of stupid snow, apparently.
And if you haven't figured it out yet, I think that's stupid. No me gusta.
There is some good news though. Saturday it is going to be sunny and in the 50s...which is perfect weather for the horse races!
I haven't been this year yet, which is highly unusual. This is the first year in probably 10 or more that I didn't get to do opening day. (which was delayed a day due to freaking weather...) But this weekend, we will be going with friends...and it will be El Jefe's first time.
I love a horse race virgin. I'm planning a sacrifice. Possibly involving chickens and unicorns. The horse racing gods will be pleased. They love unicorns.
I'm planning to power through this freaking week by pretending the snow doesn't exist and hoping the weather dudes are wrong. And then I will point and laugh at them gleefully.
Here's some pics from last year's trips to Oaklawn. I really can't wait for us to hang with our friends, drink some really good beer and do a little gambling.
Friday, February 04, 2011
C'mon spring. This girl is ready for some lake and her upcoming girls' weekend at the beach!
Thursday, February 03, 2011
And sometimes I only make myself laugh. But seriously, if I don't make myself laugh, who will?
This morning, I made both boys laugh until my oldest asked me to stop because he was gonna have an accident and he wasn't talking about pee.
I told him that would be a problem for me because my love stopped at teenage poop. There. I said it. I put a condition on my love for my children and that condition is poo.
This did not help the laughter situation at all, btw. But he managed to control his guts, which is good because I totally would have put him out of the car with $10 and said, "Good luck with that." (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration as there is currently no cash in my wallet. Sorry kid.)
Anyway, I'm just glad I can crack my kids up. I figure this will go a long way in the future therapy that I will be paying for. At least they can laugh at how screwed up I made them.
I had another, almost perfect moment with my youngest this week. We were getting our geek on at the Science Fair. When it was over, we had to brave the bitter, 40 mph winds to the car which was almost 2 blocks away. In a burst of simultaneous awesome, we started singing TALK DIRTY TO ME by Poison (it had been on the radio earlier). So there I am, with my 13 year old son, racing across middle school campus belting out an 80s hairband classic. In the midst of this musical moment, a couple of girls passed us and yelled "Hey Rader's Mom!" and I stopped singing long enough to yell "Hey strange girls I don't know!" and then we continued on.
Yes, I am a very lucky momma. If there's one thing I've ever done right in my life, it's my awesome kids. Even if I have effed them up a bit...
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
This is where I wanna be:
You know I would rock that hat and a hammock. I know you know it...
It was 16 degrees this morning. That's crazy cold. But at least we're not buried under 2 feet plus of snow.
So I'd like to take a moment to give a hearty shout out to Punxsutawney Phil for predicting an early spring this year. You sir, are a king among rodents. Can we go ahead and start that early spring tomorrow?
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Woke this morning to a major thunderstorm. I pulled the covers to my chin and snuggled with the pug until the last moment possible.
Damn I hate being an adult and doing responsible things like getting out of bed and parenting and stuff.
The kids were hoping we were gonna be in the ice, ice baby part of the state, so they were sad when I began the early morning rise and shine wrangling. They both decided that soccer rules should apply to school. If lightning strikes within X number of miles to the school, school should be canceled.
Sorry boys. But nice try.
Can I take a moment here to complain about people who don't know how to drive when the rain is coming down in sheets and the visibility is in the negatives? THE RAIN CAN SEE US BUT WE CAN'T SEE ANYTHING SO PLEASE STOP DRIVING 110 MPH AND CUTTING IN FRONT OF ME THEN STOPPING ON A DIME! And please, please stop tailgating. Oh, just get off the damn road, everyone. /rant.
This is gonna be one of those weird Arkansas days. It was 55 and storming this morning. Temps are gonna drop all day and we have the possibility of snow and ice tonight with a low of 21. That's just crazy talk. The only thing that will make the snow/ice thing ok for me is if it's THUNDER SNOW! I experienced THUNDER SNOW once with my friend Jen when we were in KC visiting Nick. For these two southern girls, it was awesome. And actually a little freaky. But awesome.
I want more THUNDER SNOW.
Am thinking that might need to be someone's wrasslin' name.
In honor of today's stormy weather, I'm gonna post one of my favorite pics that I took last year. The kids and I were at the Travelers baseball game and a storm moved in. We stayed (because they discounted the beer...) and I took this awesome shot. I'm so ready for spring and more time in the beer garden at Dickey Stephens Park.