Melissa Francis : Bitchin' Fiction!

Happy 14th kiddo...

2012-01-30T06:45:00.000-06:00

worth watching

2012-01-27T09:25:00.002-06:00

Have a great weekend everyone!

even more.

2012-01-26T11:03:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I discovered a show that is so full of crazy, I seriously think I lost a piece of my soul for watching it.

And I blame Robyn.

Toddlers and Tiaras. WTF is this holy hell of nuttiness? Who does this to children? ON PURPOSE? And how on earth can they think they're not abusive? (They spray tanned a 23 month old AND called her arms fat. Dear Lord.)

Wow. Just. Wow.

And now Jenn is begging me to watch Dance Moms and Mob Wives, too. I just don't know if I'm ready to lose the rest of my soul to that side of reality tv. Save me while there's some good left in me.

And for your open-mouthed viewing "pleasure" I give you Alana-- "A dolla makes me holla, honey-boo-boo!"

it's raining crazy

2012-01-25T09:35:00.002-06:00

And I'm not just talking about the dumbasses who forget how to drive when water falls from the sky. /rant

Yesterday, I posted my Bachelor Recap for episode 4 on Hey Don't Judge Me. Y'all. Y'ALL. I cannot explain the amount of crazy that pours out of that show. It is seriously awesome. And I'm always left to wonder what the douches and hoes think after they watch themselves..and see the behind the scenes crazy that goes on. I mean, it's truly spectacular. So please, go read and talk to me about it. (This recap even has a clip of the crazy. One in which threats are levied against another ho-testant's eyebrows.)

That's all I have for today. I am going to go suck down more coffee and watch the water pour from the sky...while driver IQs everywhere continue to fall...

are you a Belieber? Tom Brady is...

2012-01-23T09:47:00.000-06:00

I have to admit, I had a great time texting my friend the Godfodda pics of Tom Brady and making fun of the Pats. I was team Raven~~claw~~ all the way, and we had mucho fun ribbing each other before the game.

Here's a sample of the fun:

GodFodda: It is going to be awesome tomorrow watching the best QB in history go to another Super Bowl?

Me: Eli?

GF: He can't wear his brother's jock much less Mr. Brady's.

Me:

GF: Now that's funny. Untrue; but funny.

Then I shared a few more photos with him:

Tom Brady is a Belieber!

Tebow and Brady: A Match Made in Heaven

Naturally, when we arrived at the GodFodda's house to watch the game, we were both raring to go. I was decked out in my Purple and Black:

And he was all, "Go Pats."

So when the Ravens blew it in the end (Bless that kicker's heart) the GodFodda brought out some very special Tom Brady champagne to celebrate:

I drank it because it was made from the Tears of Tim Tebow...

where did the week go?

2012-01-20T09:31:00.000-06:00

It's amazing how fast this week has flown by! We got right back into the groove of things with guitar lessons and work, and soccer, and, and, and...yeah. Busy.

My Sweet Baby Mac has been returned to me with a brand new hard drive. She's beautiful and I love her so much. Now I can write comfortably again!

BTW, did you check out this week's Bachelor recap?

We also have SouthLAnd recaps and Glee! is back with a yummy cocktail recipe to go along with a fabulous recap. I don't watch Glee! but I always read Stoney's recaps...because she is witty and her cocktails are yummy.
Did I tell you guys that I showed up to work on Monday only to discover campus was closed. ☚ yeah. I am a dull bulb sometimes. In my defense, I've never worked anywhere that was closed on MLK Day. It was actually a nice surprise to have an unexpected day off...

Apparently there are a lot of people interested in "Love Coupons" as it has been the #1 search term that has been bringing people to my blog. (The 2nd term has been "feet". The intertubes has a foot fetish.) Anyway, I mentioned "love coupons" in a blog last year, and I'm getting tons of traffic this year to that post. Here's a link, maybe it'll help someone out... I believe love coupons are the only coupon allowed on Valentine's Day...If you use a Groupon, I'm totally gonna make fun of you. Openly.

Have a great weekend y'all!

End Piracy; Not Liberty

2012-01-18T08:40:00.002-06:00

https://www.google.com/landing/takeaction/

ETA this awesome explanation of why SOPA and PIPA is bad. Tell your reps to JUST SAY NO.

http://theoatmeal.com/sopa

winner winner chicken dinner

2012-01-17T09:24:00.001-06:00

Race day was fantastic! Meet Cal Dela Casa, aka Callie. She is my friends' horse and she finished in a dead heat in the 3rd race. It was amazing to see.

Also, I bet on her, so it was amazing to cash in. Friday was a winning day for me, though I don't really bet enough to win big, I did come home with more money than I left with.

I wore my lucky hat. Well it's lucky now, anyway.

Me and Jenn. Aren't we cute?

Sam was there again! And we both wore red. Kismet.

Me, Dee, and Laura. Ain't we sweet?

In other news, I made sum YUMTASTIC fish tacos on Saturday and some crock pot chicken yesterday that made me wanna slap my momma. (Shhh. don't tell her I said that.)

Today is beautiful, I'm feeling all a-sparkle, and you guys better be twinkling along with me. That's an order.

Humpday Melfellaneous

2012-01-11T11:13:00.001-06:00

My Bachelor Ben episode 2 recap is up at Hey Don't Judge Me and it's a doozy. Wow, I'm guessing emotionally disturbed must be a requirement to even apply. I love the crazy so much...it's almost painful.

Please come by and chat me up. I love talking about the Craymazing Ho-testants. Also, have you liked our Hey Don't Judge Me Facebook page? Why not?

In other news, Friday is opening day at Oaklawn! Y'all, I CAN. NOT. WAIT. Last year, it snowed on opening day and then they rescheduled it and I had to miss it. I'm not gonna lie when I say my spring just never quite seemed to get back in line after that. It was the first girl's opening day trip that I missed and I NEVER WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AGAIN. I actually only got to go once last year. Just. One. Time! Dudes, that is not okay.

I'm not sure that we're gonna have the car and driver this year like we usually do. I'm hoping so, but things are up in the air right now. It doesn't matter though, because we're going. Even if I have to ride a pack mule to get there. Hahah. Slight exaggeration...

Here are some of my favorite pics over the years...

I call these ladies the Shining Twins. They are really so nice. I've seen them almost every opening day.

Here's the Pimp. Yes that's a full length fur coat. The first year I saw him, I just snapped a pic. The next year, he posed with me.

We could probably also call this post, the many faces of Melf. haha.

ok daddy-o

2012-01-10T09:05:00.001-06:00

Here's a confession. In general, I don't like musicals. Naturally there are a few exceptions such as Grease, Mamma Mia, The Sound of Music, Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog...but mostly, if people are bursting into song in the middle of a movie, my ears start to bleed.

This weekend, El Jefe was a little distraught over the fact I had never seen West Side Story, so when it popped up on the TV guide, we watched.

Well, I can check that movie off my bucket list. (not that it was ever on it, but still. I've seen it now.)

And what did I think of it?

Natalie Wood and Rita Moreno looked beautiful.
I would wear every single dress in the movie.

I detest Natalie Wood's singing voice.
Bernardo looked like he was made of cheese and spray paint.
There is nothing sexy about being a Jet or a Shark. Snapping ain't cool, daddy-o.

Okay, I can say I'm glad I've seen the movie, but I can also say, it did not win me over...

And now you know why I can't stand Glee...

PS: I'm working on my Bachelor recap for Hey Don't Judge Me! it should be up this afternoon....

lipstick on a razorback

2012-01-06T10:17:00.001-06:00

Kiss me! I'm a hog fan and I'm wearing my red lips to prove it!

I'm also wearing my razorback charm on my charm necklace:

My razorback shirt and as always my razorback red hair:

Woo Pig! Let's rock Jerry's House tonight! I can't wait to hang out at Cheers with some of my favorite people and cheer my little piggies to victory! And to all my friends who are heading to the game in high cotton, drive carefully!

Go Hogs

2012-01-05T10:40:00.002-06:00

Cotton Bowl is tomorrow. El Jefe and I will be watching it with friends in a private party room at a local restaurant. This excites me.

Woo Pig Sooie. The official fight song as only Shirley Q. Liquor can do it...

FIRE! FIRE!

2012-01-04T10:16:00.000-06:00

So I had two weeks off...and even though I did a lot of sleeping, I did other things, too.

El Jefe and I started building a firepit in our yard. We are using bricks that used to be walls at the entrance of my parents' driveway. Multiple walls that were knocked down multiple times due to drunk drivers totally missing the giant curve in front of their house.

It's kinda cool that we are making something new out of something old.

And even though it's not finished, we did build a fire for New Years. Yeah this pit is gonna be awesome. And so will the patio we are going to build around it.

This is the area before we started.

First thing we had to do was collect the bricks. This really isn't very easy, because they're down by the pond and we have to pull the wagon through a marshy area before we pull it up the hill to the pit area. Also, the bricks are heavy. So before we used the tractor to pull them, we used Rader.

Then we employed Ruby to supervise.

C'mon baby! Light my FIRE!

While we're prettying up the area, we decided to give Baby Bear some company. He always loved the ladies.

I'm back!

2012-01-03T10:36:00.003-06:00

I took a much needed two week break from blogging. It was totally unplanned, but I'm glad I did it. Hope you guys are still around. If not, I'll just talk to myself. I do that a lot anyway. Good thing I crack myself up...

First things, first...The Bachelor is back and so are my recaps at Hey Don't Judge Me! Go forth, read and let's discuss the crazy! Because trust me, this season will be full of some drama.

Lot's of things went down over the holiday break. And by "lot's of things" I actually mean sleep. I did lots of sleeping. I slept all the sleeps. It was fantastic.

I also got a haircut...

I like it. :) I never like having the same ol' boring hair year after year.

I hope y'all had a wonderful holiday and new year.

By the way, I don't believe in resolutions, but I do think I could use a revolution this year...let's make it happen.

I think I failed at Christmas irony

2011-12-14T10:09:00.001-06:00

I'm wearing jingle bells in my ears.

A giant off-white sweater with gold snowflakes, a gingerbread house, snowman and trees.

And red and green Christmas socks.

I thought I was being ironic because I have my girls Christmas gathering tonight and wanted to be funny for Festivus. Apparently some of the people I work with think I'm being serious.

I have failed Christmas Irony 101.

Actually, no, they have failed because they wear this stuff on purpose for serious. That means I'm an epic winner. Right?

That's my Christmas story and I'm sticking to it. Also has anyone seen my leg lamp? I swear I put it in the front window...

12 days...

2011-12-13T09:56:00.000-06:00

I guess we can officially start singing the 12 Days of Christmas now.

AND A BEER IN A TREE.

Confession: I didn't know a "toque" was a hat for the longest time. I thought they meant something else when they said 5 golden toques...

When Christmas Attacks.

2011-12-12T10:23:00.002-06:00

I kinda, sorta was attacked by Christmas this weekend and then I kinda, sorta attacked El Jefe with my Christmas spirit. I FORCED THE HOLIDAY UPON HIM. (but don't kid yourself, he loved it.)

The purple tree is the Pimp Tree as requested by the boys. It's actually really cool. I kinda love it a lot.

And then there is my personal favorite, the Flamingo Tree.

Here's the creepy stalker outside view:

Oh, and remember my monkeys and their fire? Well now they are joined by Evil Monkey and Mr. and Mrs. Claus. It's gonna be a very warm and merry Christmas for them this year. No matter what their faces say, they are really happy on their inside parts.

Next up: Griswold lights.

a pimpin' weekend

2011-12-09T09:19:00.001-06:00

Tonight, El Jefe and I will be touring the Rock Town Distillery which we are both very much looking forward to. It's a booze tour! With booze made in Little Rock! <--this is the stuff awesome is made of.

Then tomorrow we are beginning our decorating extravaganza. First, we are heading to Goodwill for our holiday sweater/sweatshirt purchase, then we are headed to Garden Ridge, the mecca of all things holiday and we're picking up my new favorite Christmas Trees.

I've always wanted a Hot Pink tree. I'm gonna totally go all FLAMINGO on it and make it awesome.

Once I decided to go FABULOUS or go home, I asked all the mens in my house what they thought, and if the hot pink would automatically revoke their man card.

Ian answered "Not if we get a purple tree, too. Purple is for pimps and a pimp's man card can never be revoked."

So we will be having a pimp tree as well. I'm thinking an animal print skirt, maybe some peacock feathers and a black feather boa as garland? Ian has already found some gold 'disco ball' ornaments that we're going to add. I think a Pimpin' Christmas sounds fantastic. Don't you?I'll be sure and post pics next week.

Meet DC and Ike

2011-12-08T09:41:00.001-06:00

Last night, Ian and I were killing time at Savers while Rader was at guitar.We were just poking around looking for fun stuff and possibly some decorations for our Pimp Tree (pics and an explanation to come soon)

Sadly, Savers was pretty much free of any Pimptastic decorations, but we kept poking around, hoping to find a diamond in the rough.

What we found was MUCH MUCH better than diamonds.

We found weird and scary monkeys sitting around a campfire.

And supposedly, the campfire lights up (and hopefully makes a noise, too! fingers crossed!) El Jefe is in charge of making fire today. Please don't let it be broken! PLEASE!!!

I had to buy these guys. I can't explain it. I think maybe I was scared not to. Or maybe I secretly hoped they were possessed by some evil serial killing monkey soul. I dunno. I just needed the monkeys and the campfire.

So we started working on names last night. Ian was pushing for Boots and George but I nixed those names before he finished his sentence. I thought Carl and Gomez could work, but Ian was all NO.

Fine. I'll name them myself when you aren't around.

And so I have. Meet DC and Ike. Ike is the one on the left, who's obviously been beaten up by his ex. DC is the host of Soul ~~Train~~ Tree and he always wishes you "Love, Peace, and ~~Soul~~ Bananas.

THAT was unexpected

2011-12-07T09:18:00.001-06:00

So it kinda, sorta SNOWED last night. I thought it was going to be a little flurry here and there, but no, we got SNOWED IN with 2.2 inches.

Okay, that was me being slightly MEL-o-dramatic (a direct result of the lingering MELaria) but there is some slight truth in that statement. I actually can't get out of my driveway this morning because there was a big rig wreck on the interstate and a fuel spill. And the road in front of my house is at a standstill. And has been for 2 hours.

At least it's pretty. And the dogs seemed pretty happy about it...

Personally, I love the fact that the traffic has given me a reason to be late for work and snuggle up with El Jefe and more coffee...

I just lost my nomination for Mother of the Century

2011-12-06T10:00:00.001-06:00

I have been derelict in my duties as a mother. I have failed my children. HORRIBLY. I may not be able to recover my Mother of the ~~year~~ ~~decade~~ ~~century~~ ALL THE YEARS x ∞ = MELF tiara. (it was very sparkly.)

When my kid put on this get up over the weekend, immediately El Jefe and I started laughing and saying "Shitter's full!"

And he didn't get the reference.

OMG. What have I done?

Okay, so it's a cape and not a robe...and there's not a cigar in sight, but still...c'mon! That's funny stuff right there...

And sadly the funny was lost on my son, because I have failed him. I haven't made it a holiday tradition of watching Christmas Vacation OVER AND OVER AND OVER every year like I should have.

That ends this week... It's on, boys. I will regain my tiara and you will deliriously happy with your forced entertainment of the holiday season.

sick and wet. and sick of being wet.

2011-12-05T09:41:00.001-06:00

I've been under the weather since Wednesday evening. I left work early on Thursday and pretty much slept through Friday. Felt great on Saturday, so naturally, I over did it by working outside then going to a holiday soiree...which means I barely got out of bed yesterday. It was totally worth it, btw...

Now, part of that was sheer laziness. It was a gloomy, cold, rainy day. Okay, all of it was laziness. Fine. You caught me.

Today it's still gloomy and rainy...I'm sure that the clouds are trying to RAIN ALL THE RAINS because the forecast in the immediate future is wet, wet, and wet.

Fine. It's wet. I get it. So I went from wearing these boots on Saturday night:

To these boots today. Hmmm. Can you wear fishnets with duck boots?

nothing much and a flamingo

2011-11-30T09:53:00.001-06:00

I really don't have anything substantial to discuss today. Not that I ever do, but sometimes I like to kid myself. (okay, all the time I kid myself. Shut up. It's my blog. If I want to be in denial, it's allowed.)

I'm having lunch with my bestie from high school today. SUSHI! I'm very excited about this. So excited that I even put on make-up today.

I'm also wearing underwear. <--You're welcome.

Maybe today will be a wine lunch...I'm off the rest of the afternoon...may as well make the most of it. (as if being off work really matters...Oh wait, sure it does...it's the difference between 1 glass and 1 bottle...I mean, nothing.)

OH and check out the newest OMG I WILL DIE IF I DON'T HAVE THIS SOON item. My friend TTB sent it to me last night. Look out, Target. I'll be there later to collect my awesome.

a TWI-Hardly confession

2011-11-29T09:29:00.001-06:00

Ok. It's not a Dirty Little Secret, but it's a confession. And some of you might not like it...but I'm going to risk it all and confess anyway.

I do NOT understand the obsession with Twilight and I really don't understand Twi-Hards. I just don't. I find the entire series reeee-donk-ulous, mainly because it romanticizes a dude who stalks a girl and then calls it ETERNAL FOREVER LURVE and then when that girl decides she wants to be a vampire so they can spend ETERNAL FOREVER together, he takes her choice away from her because of HOW IT WILL EFFECT HIM. Until, of course, she almost dies having his baby, then of course, she can become a vampire because that way he has "saved" her. Dudes. I just don't get the appeal.

I find Bella to be wimpy, weak, and a waste of air. She makes "emo" look like a Unicorn farting a rainbow of skittles, sunshine and butterflies.

The first time I read the book, I got the appeal of Edward. Until I started to think about the message the story was sending... Girls need to be saved by a big strong man. Girls can't make their own decisions about when to eat, drink or sleep (or even walk with their own feet. Seriously. Bella was carried everywhere!) And my favorite: Girls find it very romantic to be secretly watched from the woods and even from their own bedroom. In my world, that's considered cray-cray and is grounds for a giant restraining order. Or a dirt nap. Because damn, please don't sneak into my room and watch me sleep and tell me it's because you love me...

So there. That's my confession. If you want to read some hysterically funny breakdowns of all the books and the latest movie, here are some links for ya... Seriously, worth the read...for a number of reasons, and not just the "sparkly peen."

Secrets of Sparkle

More Twilight

Return of the Sparkle

Final Chapter in the Sparkle

and at Hey Don't Judge Me we have a movie recap for Breaking Dawn pt 1...

Here's the thing, it's okay if you disagree...I know I'm in the giant minority here. But damn, y'all. Stalking and controlling ain't right.

From the book Twilight and Philosophy pg 178 (chapter by Rebecca Housel)

The newspaper headline screams: “Eighteen-Year-Old Slain by Husband after Giving Birth.” (eh. Okay, actually 18 year old turned into a vampire is more accurate.)As you continue reading, you learn that the young woman was brainwashed by a strange blood-drinking cult who call themselves a “family,” though none of the members were actually related. The young woman’s husband was much older than she and had a history of violence. In fact, you learn that her husband used to stalk her prior to her marriage, watching her secretly from the woods near her home and climbing into an unsecured window at night to watch her sleep without her knowledge. Once the young woman, then seventeen, was initiated into a relationship with the man and his “family,” she was encouraged to marry right after her high school graduation. (THIS is the crux of the entire series and what concerns me the most as a parent and a reader. Also, vampires shouldn't sparkle.)The young woman reportedly had bruises all over her body after returning from her honeymoon, where she also reportedly became pregnant. Her husband was not happy about the pregnancy and wanted her to have an abortion. She refused, eventually leading to him ripping the child from her womb, then, draining her of her blood until she finally stopped breathing. Sounds torturous and sick, doesn’t it? But in fact, this is the basis of a tween-teen literary phenomenon called the Twilight saga…

Now, this is a VERY literal interpretation of what happens, and let's face it, saying he killed her is kind of a stretch, however, the underlying facts remain the same. He controlled and emotionally abused Bella, he stalked her and married her right out of high school and his "family" encouraged this, then once she became pregnant, his family hid her from her family. Is that what we want for our kids? Ugh. No thanks.

Sorry. Not feeling so funny today. I'm just kinda over Twilight and I'm tired of being quiet about it...

break over.

2011-11-28T10:36:00.001-06:00

Trinity likes wearing my Sock Monkey hat. As she should.So Thanksgiving was nice. The food was yummy and the drama was minimal. (IT IS A MIRACLE!) Check it out. I had some Thanksgiving Hammock Time...

Not pictured: Red Wine.

I didn't have the boys this Turkey Day, so at their request on Wednesday night, we had breakfast for dinner as our Thanksgiving celebration. It was very tasty, if I do say so myself.

Friday, El Jefe and I headed to Birdrunner's house to watch the game. I'm sorry our hogs lost, but the fact that the only two teams that beat them were both #1 at the time, makes me quite proud to be a Razorback.

Saturday it RAINED ALL THE RAIN. And I stayed inside and did ALL THE ORGANIZING EVER. And laundry.El Jefe and I also embarked on a Dollhouse marathon...I had only seen 3 of the episodes when it originally aired. OMG that show is amazing.

Sunday, El Jefe and I continued the Dollhouse marathon instead of the other stuffs we had planned to do. We seriously didn't move from the big couch (aka the bed) and we watched all of season 2 until it was over.

And then we had ALL THE SADS because that show was amazing. Why do all the good shows get cancelled?

Hope your Thanksgiving weekend was lovely.

I AM NOT MELFA STEWART

2011-11-22T09:43:00.001-06:00

We celebrated El Jefe's birthday in style in a house with a tower on a lake.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel! Let down your hair!

We did. It was fun. Though it's really not easy scaling a tower with just a rope of hair, FYI.

So for his bday, everyone got a beautifully, well-made, high-dollar T-shirt:

Okay, so maybe we lost a few EEEEE's along the way...whatever. Jeff's shirt actually says I AM EL JEFE which would have been fabulous in the group picture if, you know, all the letters had stayed on. Whatever. Melfa Stewart I am not. AND ALSO, IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, SO THERE.

His cake was a work of art:

Obviously, I didn't make it as all the letters are still in tact.

And we had the youngest partier with us, Ralphasaurus, who had a rough night Friday night, but found his groove Saturday, only to pass out too early for the group picture. Yes, he got a shirt too:

It was a great reunion with old friends meeting new, and I hope the first of many good times ahead.

cat in a box

2011-11-16T09:36:00.001-06:00

Today is my Friday. In honor of that, I give you Cat in a Box.

Bobcat Greyskull is a big fan of the box. Any size box.

for El Jefe

2011-11-15T10:25:00.001-06:00

I totally wanted to celebrate El Jefevember, but since he doesn't like to make a fuss, I settled for celebrating The Week of El Jefe. Dinner tonight...and a weekend full of friends and fun. If we're lucky, it's gonna be messy.

blog title? yeah, not today.

2011-11-14T09:28:00.001-06:00

Holy crap, it was a busy weekend. Rader played in the Gold Division of the President's Cup this weekend, and his team (The Deathcats) won the tournament! This means we are eligible to head to Greensboro, NC in June to represent Arkansas in the Regional tourney. How awesome is that? The last game was quite tough, as we had a very strict ref. He didn't take no BS from anyone. So a player got ejected (well, he did throw a punch), Fishdog got ejected for yelling (after several warnings), a couple of parents got lectured and warned and a few more players were also sternly warned. And the game looked more like a rugby match than soccer. Lots of hitting, tripping, cursing, a few punches thrown (not even kidding) and mouthing off by parents and players alike. Fun times.<--NOT

Congrats Deathcats! Y'all played hard and you deserve the medal! For some action shots of Rader in the goal, go here.

It ended up being a beautiful fall weekend. My favorite kind of weather. Warm and windy with leaves raining down everywhere. Ruby, Clementine and I walked by the pond yesterday afternoon and I took some pretty cool pics.

And since Bobcat Greyskull isn't allowed outside yet, I took one of him, being all cool and stuff:

My claws. Let me show you them.

I hope y'all had a great weekend. I did..but I'm glad it's over...

weekend stuffs

2011-11-11T09:19:00.001-06:00

Ugh. So Rader's last soccer tournament for the season is this weekend. Naturally he has a game that starts at 8:30 A-FREAKING-M. Seriously? I mean, c'mon guys... somebody really hates me.

But I'll survive. Somehow. (caffeine and sweatshirts)

There will be some more yard stuff to be done this weekend, because next weekend we will be at the tower house on the lake having a great time with good friends.

Last night was the first really cold night, and I woke this morning sandwiched between a vice grip of animals. Trin and Ruby were pressed against my legs and Bobcat Greyskull was purring on my shoulder. I couldn't move...mainly because I didn't want to. But then my arm started to fall asleep and I had to interrupt their peaceful slumber. Not really. I moved, they didn't.

Have a great weekend y'all.

I was trying to be pissy, but now I can't be. Thanks, Tony Harrington.

2011-11-10T09:36:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning full of hate and discontent. Seriously. Like, my sparkle was actually a flamethrower of bitterness and anger.

So naturally, I posted on FB that I would not be shining today. At all.

And then that damn Tony Harrington had to go and ruin my bad mood by being all sweet. You see, he's a fellow writer here in Little Rock and he did an interview (which you should go read) and he said the nicest thing ever about me and now I can't really be pissy anymore.

"I live in Little Rock, Arkansas. I moved here from Baltimore, MD and I thought I could kiss the writing scene goodbye. But I am lucky to have found that there is a thriving art scene in the city and beyond. I have met and become friends with some wonderful writers and journalists within the city. Melissa Francis who writes the awesome YA books “Bite Me” and “Love Sucks” is a beautiful human being who is witty, charming, 100% awesome."

Fine. I'll be in a good mood now, but I'm not gonna like it. Thanks, Tony. You're swell. Like really, really swell.

ridin' the storm out...sorta

2011-11-09T11:00:00.001-06:00

Well the weather dudes were all sportin' stiffies yesterday as severe weather threatened Arkansas. I think they were all saddened by the fact that Oklahoma beat us to the "home of the Quakenado" status.

They kept updating their facebook pages like they were Fred Sanford threatening to join Elizabeth. (If you didn't get that reference, I forgive you your youth.)

Finally around 7:00 last night it started to rain. And it rained pretty hard for a little while. We even had some lightning. Trinity wasn't happy...she is definitely not a fan of storms.

For the most part though, it was a big let down. I mean, I'm glad it wasn't severe, but damn, if you guys are gonna get me pumped up about the weather, then I think I should at least get one giant clap of thunder. I'm not asking for a Quakenado, but I would like a little rumbling... Girding my loins for the impending doom was a total waste of effort.

Humph.

T-minus 10 days

2011-11-08T09:16:00.000-06:00

In just 10 days, this group of rapscallions will be reunited (minus James BOO + Outside-the-Womb Ralphasaurus YAY) for a weekend of frivolity and shenanigans. It will be a good time.

We are staying in an awesome house on the lake that has its own tower. What's not to love about a house with a tower?

Check out the property info here if you're interested. It looks like a great place and the property owners have been very easy to work with.

What's the reason for this gathering? Well it's El Jefe's birthday next week. And you know I'm a big believer in birthday celebrations. I'd love to celebrate El Jefevember, but he doesn't like to make a fuss. I, on the other hand, am a big fan of fuss.

We're having a birthday dinner Saturday night where I will cook up something delicious. We will possibly do a Spa day in the Spa City and we'll eat cake. Because it's just not a birthday without cake.

I wonder if I can get him to wear a tiara? If not, I will... you know how I love my sparkle.

Can't wait to see the peeps next week. It's gonna be a great time!

wine, cheese, football and FIRE!

2011-11-07T11:03:00.000-06:00

We started the weekend off at a Wine and Cheese function at Greg Thompson Fine Art on Friday. It was a lot of fun and the art was fantastic. (There was a painting that actually cost more than the first house I bought...)

Don't we look great? Why yes, yes we do.

Then Saturday, we jumped out of bed and immediately set things on fire.

Ruby couldn't get close enough to the fire. She seriously would have laid down on the burning coals if we had let her. That doggy loves herself some heat. Trin Trin was a little smarter and kept her distance.

The Razorbacks won their game against SC, Ole Miss lost again, and in the battle for first place, LSU beat Alabama. Now, I did NOT root for Alabama, I rooted against LSU (because I can't find it in my heart to ever root for LSU unless they are playing those damn gators.) Even though I hate that LSU won, it's actually better for the Hogs...

Sunday we hit the ground burning again, except we added some John Deere time to the mix. I also did a lot of sawing.

We'll probably do another burning before the year is out, but I think this was our last date with John Deere for 2011. Thanks for the lawnmance, JD. It's been great.

another Friday, another smile.

2011-11-04T09:27:00.001-05:00

I saw this today and it made me LOL. My parenting theory has been if I'm going to pay for their therapy anyway, I should make sure they have something to talk about...

So yesterday was a good day, even though I had one stressful event that sent my adrenaline into overdrive. Last night, after I bought all the things in Target, I came home, put my music on shuffle, grabbed a beverage of the adult variety and took a STEAMING HOT bath.

Ahhhh.

I need a bath pillow and a bath tray that will hold my book for me, and then my sanctuary will be perfect. Okay, that's not true, my sanctuary will be perfect when I have those things plus this:

While my music was shuffling along, a song came on that I had forgotten how much I love.
STUTTERING (Kiss Me Again) by Ben's Brother. Enjoy...

Happy Friday, Bitches!

memory lane

2011-11-03T08:54:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a little nostalgic today, so I thought I'd repost one of my favorite Rader stories. This is from 2006:

Rader then

Rader now

And then he was sorry...

My 8 year old had a really, really, really bad day at school a couple of weeks ago.

It was so bad, he came home and told me about it. He told me everything--except for the part where he was extremely rude to the assistant teacher. He absolutely refused to do anything she told him and apparently had a couple of ugly things to say to her in the process.

All this happened on a Friday. On Monday, I get a note filling in the missing pieces of the story. We do the "do you know what you did wrong?" talk and he tells me he'd just had a really bad day and took it out on Mrs. G.

I said, "Well, you should draw her a picture and tell her you're sorry."

So he did. I didn't see the finished picture, but I saw him writing the note to Mrs. G. He told me that afternoon that Mrs. G. really liked his picture and that was that.

Until this morning when I ran into Mrs. G...

Mrs. G: Did you see the picture he drew me?

Me: No. Should I have?

Mrs. G: Laughing Oh Lord, yes.

Me: Worried now. Um. Why?

Mrs. G: Well, (snicker, snort) he drew me a picture of a donkey.

Me: gasp. this didn't start off promising.Mrs. G: At the donkey's head, he wrote my name and drew an arrow. "This is you."

Me: grimacing

Mrs. G: And at the rear end he wrote, "And this is what I've been."

Well, that did it. I started laughing and couldn't stop.

Me: Well, I guess he can recognize ass-like behavior afterall.

Mrs. G. went on to say that it was by far the best note of apology she's ever received.

I should say so.

WINE WEDNESDAY and other assorted important things

2011-11-02T09:30:00.001-05:00

I don't care what I have to do to make tonight happen, but yes...it is going to be Wine Wednesday whether you like it or not. And if you don't like it, what are you doing reading my blog?

I started reading my friend Stacey Jay's book, JULIET IMMORTAL. Wow. She hooked me on page 1. And not many books do that, y'all. Buy this book. Read it. Love it. And tell her about it.

Stacey Jay Blog

Stacey Jay Facebook

Stacey Jay Twitter

Go forth and do my bidding.

Guess what else I'm reading? Maria Geraci's newest manuscript A GIRL LIKE YOU. Yes, I'm that special. While you wait for this amazing read to hit the shelves you should go and pick up her other titles:

BUNCO BABES TELL ALL

BUNCO BABES GONE WILD

THE BOYFRIEND OF THE MONTH CLUB

Make it so. Yesterday was her birthday, after all.

In writing news, I've added a few more paragraphs to my new book, I've pledged to write something everyday this month....Also, that really awesome boyfriend of mine helped me with science stuff again last night. I ♥ smart people. And n3rds.

Happy Birthday, Maria Geraci!

2011-11-01T07:36:00.000-05:00

To my dear BFF. I have missed you this year....Also, Rader says "Be sure and tell Miss GerACHi happy birthday for me." So you've been told...

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011 is the first year since we became friends that we didn't see each other. That is unacceptable. Let's make sure we change that in 2012. Love you, amiga!

HAPPY MEL-O-WEEN: Faces past and present.

2011-10-31T11:24:00.000-05:00

I love Mel-O-Ween but this year, I didn't get a chance to really dress up. Well, I did...but it's very subtle. Or as subtle as I can be.I thought about dressing up as a Pin Up Witch, but I'm pretty sure UALR isn't quite ready for that:

Here are my last few costumes and at the bottom is this year's look.

Mrs. Roper 2010

Naughty School Girl 2009

Zombie 2008

Dead Monk 2006

Vampire 2005

This year, I'm going as myself. Naughty Librarian. (or Witchy Woman...whatever. both work.)

Did you guys dress up or do you plan to?

happy friday and all that jazz

2011-10-28T09:28:00.002-05:00

This is me, drinking wine and being all a-sparkle after doing some major brainstorming (like 3 hours) with El Jefe last night on...are you ready for this...A NEW BOOK!

Y'all, I've been seriously worried that I would never write again. And now, I'm totally excited about this story. I'M SO EXCITED I'M VIBRATING. LIKE I'M GOING THROUGH CRACK WITHDRAWALS! I didn't think I COULD still write. It's been the weirdest and most depressing thing ever. I've been trying to force myself, trying to find passion for a story, trying to find a story...and then BOOM. One fell into my dreams.

It's not like anything I've ever written before which is a little intimidating, but I love this so much I want to marry it. I might even want to have little book babies. That's right, I want to be barefoot and pregnant with my new story. (the good news is, I can still have wine while being pregnant with a story!) YAY for booze and imagination!

I don't want to get ahead of myself on this, but I am coasting high! and I'm riding that wave as long as it lasts.

It feels good to be back.

this is so not cool

2011-10-26T08:50:00.001-05:00

SOMEONE, and I'm not naming names (*koff* fishdog *koff*) sent this link to me last night. Here, let me save you the trouble of clicking:

I'm torn about this. You see, I can't really look at this picture without wanting to cry. Remember last Halloween?

However, I actually think a yard full of those awful creatures (with a few Big Headed Kings from BK thrown in) makes for great Halloween decor. It's just too bad I would be too terrified to pull into my driveway. Or sleep. Ever again.

Oh, who am I kidding. I would drown in my own tears.

Oxford Recovery

2011-10-25T09:07:00.000-05:00

If you haven't seen my FB pics of the trip, click here.

The weekend was AMAZING. I don't think anything could have made it better. Well, maybe winning the lottery, but even that would have just been extra whipped cream.

Jefe and I have great friends.

The first half of the game was slightly painful. I was sitting with the enemy--my people were just a section away, so it could have been worse. And my enemies were quite nice to me over all. Even when we were down 17-0.

The person who picked on me the most was my own sweet boyfriend. I believe the text message BOOM! Headshot! just as the announcer said OLE MISS 17; ARKANSAS: NOTHING.

But his tune changed by the time we made it back to the grove. Yes, I was all smiles.

It was a perfect weekend for football and friends.

ION, Rader P F will be shadowing my bestie Jenn Christman on Thursday. He'll be on B98.5 from 7-8 a.m. then heading over to the Arkansas Democrat Gazette to do some Newsie work. I think they'll be doing a food review that day too, so he's all smiles about that. If you're around, listen for my boy on the radio that morning!

My favorite things

2011-10-20T10:09:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I haven't done a fun "MY" list in a while. And since I feel like a million bucks and am very excited about going to Oxford with El Jefe this weekend, I thought I'd make today all about me.

Because, you know, it's my blog. And it should be all about me.

Some of my favorite things:

1. My tattoo: I waited til I was 40 to get my tattoo and I decided to go big or go home. I also wanted to make sure my tattoo meant something to me. If I'd gotten one when I was younger, it would have been something cheesy. I never wanted to regret my permanent ink. So I went with Gerber Daisies which are my favorite (especially the hot pink ones) and a honeybee (which is what Melissa means in Greek) and a dragonfly, which I think of as my totem.

2. Flamingos: partly because they are fabulously pink (Yes. I love pink. Sorry I'm such a cliche) and partly because I'm just enamored with them. Today I'm wearing my Swarkovski Flamingo pen that my kids got me for Mother's Day several years ago.

3. The smell of brand new, crisp, hot off the press, straight from the bank, money. No I do not print my own. But if I could, I'd roll around nekkid in it because that's how I roll. hahahaha.

4. Bath and Body Works fragrances Sensual Amber and Into the Wild.

5. The 4-legged Family Members:

6. Hammock time:

7. Girls night out with my good friends. I'm lucky and might even venture to say blessed with wonderful women in my life.

8. El Jefe.

9. Sock Monkeys. Nothing says happy like a sock monkey.

10. Last but not least: My rotten boys. They crack me up every single day.

Come on Friday!

2011-10-19T10:14:00.001-05:00

I have a new Razorback dress that I will be wearing in Oxford this weekend.

I can't wait to see all my friends and for some fantastic tailgating. The party will start early since it's an 11:00 game. We'll be there early Friday so if anyone wants to do lunch and possibly stop off at LuLu's for some shoe shopping...let me know!

Fair fare...

2011-10-18T10:24:00.001-05:00


This seemed to be a very popular prize this year. I can't for the life of me figure out who would want this.

The boys and I ventured out to the Arkansas State Fair on Sunday. We sampled copious amounts of fried food, drank overpriced beverages, the boys rode some crickety rides, and we had and all around grand ol' time.

Ian eats a fried Snickers.

Fried Twinkies are da bomb

This is an 18 in corndog. It's the mecca of processed meat.

top right is Rader.

Rader managed to score 83 points...

and then it was Thursday.

2011-10-13T09:58:00.000-05:00

I get my hairs did today which is fabulous. I need to spice up the day-glo red. I also need to cover the dull and graying roots.(shhh. that's our little secret)

Tonight, El Jefe and I are heading to the Arkansas Repertory Theatre to see The Second City perform! yay!

Other than that, I got nuttin' honey. Well, I'm in a great mood and feeling kind of silly. Also I look really cute today all the way up to my neck. After 2:00, it will be a completed cute. Right now, I need a brown bag to cover the face and hair. haha.

Maybe even 2 bags.

just. say. no.

2011-10-12T09:33:00.001-05:00

To the "New Footloose."

Really? REALLY?

Team Bacon all the way.

I'm actually a little horrified they've remade this movie. I know I have friends who want to go see it, but I just don't. It's a travesty. That would be like remaking 16 Candles, Dirty Dancing, Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink or Any John Cusack movie...

Dear Movie Industry,

Quit messing with my childhood. Footloose is an iconic movie that should have been left alone. Your remake is unnecessary and as Matt Cherette of Gawker says, "will ruin your childhood when it hits theaters in October." I don't want my childhood ruined.

Love,
Melf

Sparklicious

2011-10-11T09:22:00.001-05:00

Okay, this cracked me up.

So I'm often asked if the vampires sparkle in my books and my standard answer is: "I sparkle. My vampires do not."

Sparkle on, Wayne. Sparkle on Garth. <--but not if you're vampires named Wayne and Garth

insert witty title

2011-10-10T10:05:00.000-05:00

who needs a title anyway?

This was a great, laid-back weekend. I did laundry, hung out with friends, the Razorbacks won, my son played a helluva soccer game and the coffee fairy showed up every morning!

Let me tell ya, everyone should get a coffee fairy. That guy rocks.

I didn't take many pics this weekend (must have been off my game) but I did manage to capture quite a phenomenon in pixels.

All animals love clean clothes.

The moment I folded this pair of shorts, Bobcat Greyskull decided to take a break from wreaking havoc and being generally evil...to sleep on the clean clothing.

Notice where Trinity starts out...on a pillow away from the clothing. Then I fold some shirts and place them away from her and turn my back to find...

She has moved to the clean clothes side. So I scoot them out of the way...

and it appears she's decided to "show me."Ruby also enjoyed a pile of clean towels. I love having help with the laundry, don't you?

the week! it went by so fast.

2011-10-07T09:38:00.000-05:00

It's been a very busy week. I had things and stuffs to take care of. So I did.

and now it's the weekend, and I am happy about it.

Here's a picture of a Cat in a Box. (well, a drawer actually) Clementine almost didn't fit...

and here's a pic of the dogs. Trinity likes to pretend she doesn't need anyone or anything, but notice she's touching Ruby. Because she loves her. Together 4ever.

Please ignore the 2 baskets of unfolded laundry. Thanks.

We have plans to hang with friends at Gusano's for the Arkansas vs. Auburn game. Should be a good game. Will definitely be a good time either way.

Woo Pig Sooie!

I am very excited about an upcoming November event that miraculously managed to get put together! We have friends from 3 different states coming in for a weekend of frivolity and celebration! And probably Shenanigans. Lots and lots of shenanigans.

We may even party like it's 1999...

partying pug-style

2011-10-04T08:29:00.001-05:00

Hah! Guess I better keep Ruby away from the booze. And the party hats.

knock knock

2011-10-03T09:30:00.000-05:00

You wanna know why you're knocking on my door? Because I HAVE A DOOR THAT WILL CLOSE AND ALSO HAS A DOORKNOB!

See that red sock? Yeah, that was my "doorknob." And my door opened into my room (my tiny, tiny room) and took up space. I swear, when my door was shut, it looked like the Dorm Room of the Perpetually Lucky. Now, thanks to ~~Tim the Tool Man~~ El Jefe de la herramienta del hombre, my door swings out and has an actual knob. (so in the future, if there's a sock hanging from the doorknob, don't come in...) Also that mirror? IT'S HANGING NOW. Like on the wall.

I rearranged my room and Rader's this weekend, trying to make better use of the space. During my frenzied cleaning, I found a Barbie Tiara (what? doesn't everyone have a Barbie Tiara just lying around their house?) Naturally, I wore it while I cleaned.

You can see in this pic that my bed used to be located on the wall next to the door. Now it's on the far wall and wow do I have a ton more room. I had to move my desk out to make that happen...but I'm glad I did.

And for your moment of Ruby, as I was pulling my sheets out of the dryer, I turned around to find this:

I'm not the only one who loves warm, clean sheets I guess.

Hope your weekend was a good one. I certainly can't complain...

things are good

2011-09-30T10:12:00.002-05:00

This week started out iffy, but thankfully, it's all better now. FTR my friends are awesome and my boyfriend is awesomer.

And dumbasses are dumbasses and will always be treated as such.

Happy Friday, y'all. Hope your weekend is supercalisparkletastic!

Here's my fav pic from yesterday's Happy Hour. Our fabulous waiter Shaun blocked the sun for us to protect our delicate skin from the burn.

hurry up happy hour

2011-09-29T10:45:00.002-05:00

I've been fighting a cold. Or something. Actually I have no idea what it is. My chest and throat hurt--but they are DRY, not congested. And I still can't talk (really? you can stop with the cheering already.) I've been doing the hot toddy thing at night which means I'm sleeping really well (who needs nyquil when you have hot tea, honey and scotch?) but I'm still not healed.

So tonight, I'm trying another solution: ~~Antonio Banderas~~ La Bandera

This margarita always cures what ails me. And if I still can't talk after happy hour, I'm quite certain I won't give a crap. BECAUSE HONEY BADGER DON'T CARE.

Speaking of booze, this made me LOL. Like for real out loud.

as did this: (which isn't booze related but whatever)

I'm hungry. I have lunch plans with Laura. It should hurry up and get here before I start looking for condiment packages and crackers. What? Surely I'm not the only one who's eaten mustard and saltines in a fit of desperation?

BLOOD RIGHTS release day!

2011-09-28T09:07:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time coming for my friend Kitteh (aka Kristen Painter) but release day has finally arrived for the first book her a much anticipated House of Comarré series. Go forth and purchase. Here, I'll help you with links:

BLOOD RIGHTS: Amazon

BLOOD RIGHTS: Barnes and Noble

BLOOD RIGHTS: BAM

Born into a life of secrets and service, Chrysabelle's body bears the telltale marks of a comarr -- a special race of humans bred to feed vampire nobility. When her patron is murdered, she becomes the prime suspect, which sends her running into the mortal world...and into the arms of Malkolm, an outcast vampire cursed to kill every being from whom he drinks.

Now, Chrysabelle and Malkolm must work together to stop a plot to merge the mortal and supernatural worlds. If they fail, a chaos unlike anything anyone has ever seen will threaten to reign.

happy tuesday

2011-09-27T10:48:00.000-05:00

Rader has da foozball tonight. I'm hoping it's a good game. You know, one where the coaches actually let the kids play and the refs don't blow their damn whistles every 2 seconds making an 8 minute quarter last 35 minutes. Or more. Gah! They are in middle school. This is not college game day. Let the boys play ball!

Gooby Ruby is feeling a little under the weather and that makes me sad. I'm going to check her out at lunch today and if she's not any better, it's off to the vet we go.

THIS made me LOLOL. It's funny because it's true.

Source: polyvore.com via Mel on Pinterest

Hope y'all have a great day. I plan to.

what a weekend

2011-09-26T10:36:00.000-05:00

We didn't do a ton, but we had a ton of fun. My weekend in pictures:

El Jefe and I took a little drive to the Hot Air Balloon Festival where we got a giant helping of redneck and a tiny taste of hot air balloons. We ended the evening at my favorite local German Restaurant.

Notice the butt-to-butt placement of Black Dog/White ~~cat~~ Dog. These two adore each other in reality, but when they have an audience, they totally ignore each other.

El Jefe and I took turns dating John Deere....

We had a very disappointing College Game Day. Ruby couldn't even be bothered to wake up and cheer. El Jefe and I tried to root our teams to victory, when that didn't happen, we took comfort in cheese dip and Dude.

Dude Vodka. It's Mountain Dew inspired. And when you mix it with Diet Mountain Dew, you are in for a treat. And possibly a hangover.

Hope your weekend was as awesome as mine.

pucker up (an encore)

2011-09-23T09:37:00.000-05:00

I'm reposting a blog from last year, that I rediscovered this morning thanks to someone digging around in my archives again. I'm always curious to see what they're reading, so I click the links...and I'm so glad I did, because this blog is very informational. I foresee a lot of "exercising" this weekend. I can't wait for the Hot Air Balloon festival! I'll have pics next week. Ya'll have a great weekend!

1. Those who kiss their partner goodbye each morning live five years longer than those who don’t.

2. Kissing is great for self-esteem. It makes you feel appreciated and helps your state of mind.

3. Kissing burns calories, 2-3 calories a minute and can double your metabolic rate. Research claims that three passionate kisses a day (at least lasting 20 seconds each) will cause you to lose an entire extra pound! It's time to start that kissing diet!

4. Kissing is a known stress-reliever. Passionate kissing relieves tension, reduces negative energy and produces a sense of well being, lowering your cortisol ‘stress’ hormone.

5. Kissing uses 30 facial muscles and it helps keep the facial muscles tight, preventing baggy cheeks! The tension in the muscles caused by a passionate kiss helps smooth the skin and increases the circulation.

6. Kissing is good for the heart, as it creates an adrenaline which causes your heart to pump more blood around your body.

7. Frequent kissing has scientifically been proven to stabilize cardiovascular activity, decrease blood pressure and cholesterol. Those who kiss quite frequently are less likely to suffer from stomach, bladder and blood infections.

8. During a kiss, natural antibiotics are secreted in the saliva. Also, the saliva contains a type of anesthetic that helps relieve pain.

9. Kissing reduces anxiety and stops the 'noise' in your mind. It increases the levels of oxytocin, an extremely calming hormone that produces a feeling of peace.

10. The endorphins produced by kissing are 200 times more powerful than morphine.

Don't forget to pucker up!

yeah yeah. sorry 'bout that

2011-09-22T14:20:00.000-05:00

Sorry I forgot to blog yesterday. I was too busy being awesome to get around to it.

I know I have at least ONE regular reader who is sad about that. Not sad that I'm awesome, but sad I was too busy to share it.

Good news is, I'm here now.

I AM TAKING FRIDAY OFF AND IT IS MARGARITA THURSDAY! YAY! It does not suck to be me today. (or ever. Let's face it. ^ see the part about awesome.)

Here's my latest cool cat pic. The cool side of the pillow wishes it was Clementine.


Who's the cat that won't cop out, when there's danger all about? Shaft? No. Clementine, right on.

Source: None via Mel on Pinterest

Y'all have a great weekend. I hope to have more awesome for you next week!

new addiction

2011-09-20T08:51:00.001-05:00

Yes. I'm totally addicted to the new photo apps...but I'm also addicted to Pinterest. I swore I wasn't gonna give in to my urges and sign up...yet, here I am. All signed up. Follow me if you want. I have no idea what all I'm going to be pinning, but hey, it could be interesting.

For instance, I saw this yesterday and it was my first pin... Or technically, it was my first "repin" but whatever.

Source: mirroroffashion.com via Mel on Pinterest

I love this and I think EVERYONE should read it and apply it.

In other addiction news, it's Super Cheese Tuesday (also known as game day) and Rader is wearing another of his amazing outfits. He really knows how to piece together a look.

The coach just asks them to wear a tie on game day. The rest of the outfit...is all Rader. You're welcome.

weekend recap AND A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2011-09-19T09:55:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dear friend Robyn, aka Birdrunner. I am so happy we are friends!

The boys and I had a very relaxing weekend. Both kids had soccer, I had to help mom with some computer issues which are STILL unresolved, I ended up having my own computer issues...which hopefully will be resolved this week. I do NOT want to buy a new computer. Grumble. Moan.

I also caught up on some much needed rest. It also rained yesterday so we got out of lawn duty. Which just means I'll be catching up all week...

And if you're following my Project Runway recaps at Hey Don't Judge Me, I'm caught up through Ep. 7 and have high hopes of having Ep. 8 up by morning.

In other fun news, I've downloaded some fun picture apps. Hipstamatic (which takes digital pics and makes them look analog. Holy crap I'm gonna go broke adding on the extras. But damn the photos are cool) Instagram and PE Studio. All kinds of fun stuff with these apps. Check it out:

Oh boy. I'm never gonna stop with the pictures now. Sorry guys.

let's talk about feet for a second, mmmkay?

2011-09-16T08:52:00.001-05:00

Ok, I get it Internetz. Y'all really do have a foot fetish. I've talked about it before...and now, I'm here talking about it again, you know why?

There's some dude in Conway, AR going around sucking women's toes.

WTFityF?

Look, I get it. Feet can be sexy. I mean, what's not sexy about this?

But here's my problem with this toe sucking thing (besides the fact that toe sucking in general gives me the giant squicks. And yes, that's an official medical term.) HOW DID THIS DUDE GET THE WOMEN'S FEET TO HIS MOUTH? Because trust me, if his face was anywhere near my foot? The police would be taking my shoe impression directly from his face as evidence for his justifiable homicide.

What I'm saying is, I'd kick his skull in.Without. Remorse.

Because EW. Gross. Stranger Toe Danger. Keep your fungus tongue off my pretty toes.

Here's something really funny...his description.

White male in his 40s with a pot belly.

Um...I see him EVERYWHERE! NOBODY'S TOES ARE SAFE! (I better go get a pedicure this weekend, because seriously, if my feet are going to be evidence in a justifiable homicide case, they need to be pretty...)

Y'all have a great weekend. And try not to miss me too much. I know. It'll be hard. But there's always your dreams...

melfellaneous

2011-09-15T08:54:00.000-05:00

I love this couple. I especially love it when grandpa gets really fresh with grandma!

Hope y'all are having a good week. I'm trying to :) I am meeting some friends for Happy Hour after work tonight. I've been told to expect lots of laughter. Good. I need it. Now for your gratuitous pet pic. Here's a new pic of Trinity and Clementine. Or as we like to call them, Black Dog and White Dog.

Also, I'm guest blogging at Magical Musings today. Go read about me getting my groove back. (now taking applications for the position of cabana boy)

your marketing team should be fired.

2011-09-13T10:15:00.000-05:00

It's that time again. It's time for me to talk about commercials that bug me.

Drive Sober is currently running an ad that states THEY'LL SEE YOU BEFORE YOU SEE THEM.

You know what I hate about this? The cop in the invisibility cloak allowed the couple to get into the car. WTF? Isn't it his job to protect and serve? How is he doing either when he watches a drunk couple get behind the wheel and lets them drive away? How did he know that they wouldn't run into a nun pushing a baby carriage on the way to the road block? This ad stinks. It's creepy and it's irresponsible. This dude should be preventing them from getting into the car, not calling ahead to get them arrested. What a load of crap.

KFC asks: What part of chicken is the nugget?

I'd like to know, WHAT PART OF CHICKEN IS POPCORN? hate. hate. hate.These are the days that I miss having TIVO when I could just FFWD my way through the commercials...

I will admit that neither of these are as bad as GETTING YOUR JUNK CHECKED MAKES A GREAT VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT, but still, no me gusta.

it's a shame how easily Monday can ruin a great weekend.

2011-09-12T10:33:00.000-05:00

object in picture is larger than it appears...

El Jefe and I had an absolutely fantastic weekend. There was a full moon, football, friends, hammocking, a covered bridge, lots of giggles, a little hysteria and a BADGER!

I'd never seen a BADGER! up close before. I'm pretty sure she's a momma BADGER! and that hole is her den full of babies. Or possibly it's a den of iniquity. Either way, she was hissing and being very protective. I didn't leave the truck. haha I don't need to add death by BADGER! to my resume.

We had a great day walking the dogs in Burns Park by the covered bridge. We almost got run over by some cyclists a couple of times. I swear, they just appear out of thin air and then they're all BEHIND YOU! and you're all WTF! is there a portal in that pine tree? Trin and Ruby had a great time and they were both worn plumb diggity out by the time we were done. Especially Ruby.

Bobcat Greyskull went from in a coma to full on attack mode. He keeps knocking my vase of roses over. I think he hates flowers. We also can't leave the bag of dog treats on the counter because he will knock them to the floor and do everything in his power to get a treat. He actually will come to the kitchen and SIT for a treat like Ruby and Trin Trin. It's the funniest thing. He doesn't know he's a cat.

Hope you guys had a lovely weekend. Can you please make Monday speed up? Thanks.

someone like you

2011-09-09T09:06:00.000-05:00

It's been a great year, El Jefe. You're kinda awesome.

flying high

2011-09-08T09:37:00.001-05:00

I'm fighting a sinus infection. It's my fault. I was so excited the temperature was no longer SATAN LIVES HERE that I immediately opened the windows to sleep.

And wow. I've been sleeping really well. BUT, the side effect of a good night's sleep with the windows open seems to be a massive amount of snot.

So I'm medicated. After last night's shot of Nyquil with a beer back, I actually felt a lot better today. But, I went ahead and popped a little red pill to help things along, and now my head feels like a balloon...

Also, I have to take notes in a meeting this morning and that could be really interesting. My train of thought is a little off the tracks right now.

Swagger like Swayze

2011-09-07T10:56:00.003-05:00

ALL-CAPS Kristal called me the other night after having an epiphany.

"Guys today...they don't have enough Swayze in them. Girls want the Swayze. We NEED the Swayze."

And you know what? She's totally right. Girls want the guy who can seduce us on the dance floor or over a pottery wheel and still tear the throat out of a dude--and then celebrate his kill by taking us against the wall. Also it doesn't hurt if he has a best friend who looks like Sam Elliot, but that's not really part of the equation...

And you know what else? I bet in real life he bought his girl flowers on a Wednesday, and probably left her cards on her pillow just because, and I bet that even on her fat & ugly days, he told her she was beautiful. Because he was Swayze. And he had swagger.

So guys, you may have moves like Jagger, but if you really wanna impress your lady, you need to have Swagger like Swayze.

Rainbow Star: The More You Know....

weekend picgasm

2011-09-06T09:21:00.001-05:00

My weekend in pictures...

Got a new hair cut. For those of you who may not remember, I started growing my hair out as one of my 40 Things to do at 40. I basically grew it for 2 years. It was time for a change.

Saturday

Went to the lake on Saturday where the following events took place. (in no particular order)

El Jefe captained the boat with style

Lots of hammocking took place on the island. If you don't think hammocking is a verb, then you ain't doin' it right.

Rocks were piled. I swear, this is not a shallow grave.

Dogs played.

Art was created.

Sunday

I spent some QT with my other boyfriend, John Deere.

Bobcat Greyskull continued his Ninja agility training.

Monday

I hope your weekend was as awesome as mine. I'm a very lucky girl to be loved by so many wonderful people.

Click Here and do some real good.

2011-09-02T09:11:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I got probably a half a dozen inbox messages from FB friends urging me to participate in the latest "Breast Cancer Awareness" status update game. Last year, it was "Post the Color of Your Bra", which at least somehow made sense--Bras--Breasts--ah ok.

This year's supposed game? Stupid. Ridiculous. Asinine. Your birthday month is assigned a number of weeks and your birthdate is given a "craving" and you're supposed to post: "I'm X Weeks and Craving X" So mine would have been, "I'm 3 weeks and craving mint chocolate." or something like that.

Really? Do you want to tell me exactly how this is going to raise any kind of breast cancer awareness? Do you not realize this makes you look like a moron. This is what I posted instead:

And then my friend Sherri Jones (who works for ACS) posted in my comments about she'll gladly take $50 for the American Cancer Society. And I decided, guess what, you get it sister. I'm donating $25 today and $25 next month. Because THAT'S how you raise awareness. You raise money.

Do me a favor, don't post that stupid game which leaves everyone rolling their eyes. Do some real good and donate some money to ACS or to the charity of your choice. Here's a quick and easy link. And here's another. Even $10 would go a long way.

Thanks y'all. And to my fellow Americans? Happy Labor Day. Hope you enjoy your long weekend! I know I will.

hello kitteh

2011-09-01T09:52:00.000-05:00

The gray blur is Bobcat Greyskull. He is what crazy wishes it could be. Clementine plays with him, but when she's done, she goes to the door and glares at me until I let her outside.

That's when we get to see this...

He wants outside so BADLY. But we can't do it. First off, he's young, dumb and full of...well, yeah. He hasn't been fixed. And he really isn't smart. So we'd probably never see him again, except in pancake form in the middle of the road.

vertical.

2011-08-31T09:12:00.002-05:00

I know people say that men are big ol' babies when it comes to being sick and that women just do what needs to be done no matter how sick they are...

Yeah. That doesn't really apply to me. I mean, it did when the kids were little, but now? No way. When I'm sick, the world stops turning. (As it should when you're the Empress) I need to be babied and sadly, I also need to be left alone. Pretty much, you're screwed no matter what you do... But trust me, it's always better to do something than nothing at all. Yes. I know. I'm not right, but y'all all love me just the way I am...

What started out as a head cold, ended up as attempted murder by my inside parts. I don't know if I had a stomach bug or a bad reaction to cold meds, but let me just say, Death WOULD HAVE BEEN WELCOME. <-- too dramatic? I DON'T THINK SO.

Anyway, after a day of near death experiences, napping, and lots of Words With Friends I am all better now. I'm vertical. I've had coffee. I'm no longer wishing for death. I think we can call today a win.

I want all the nice.

2011-08-30T07:30:00.000-05:00

I didn't have a great day yesterday and I felt like crap. So today, I want all the nice. All of it.

And I think if I could have some of the surprises that would make me smile, that would be good, too. I don't want all of the surprises. Just some of them.

Here is a list of some of the surprises that would make me smile:

Matt Damon
Matt Damon cleaning my house.
Flowers delivered by Matt Damon.
A new car--driven by Matt Damon
Wine Wednesday on a Tuesday in Matt Damon's hot tub.

~~The restraining order Matt Damon has on me to be lifted~~

A winning lottery ticket. (bought for me by Matt Damon.)

Of course, these are mere suggestions. Any of the nice that you bestow on me will be appreciated and any surprise that is nice will be welcome. Matt Damon is just an added bonus of awesome.

sums it up...

2011-08-29T13:15:00.001-05:00

'Nuf said.

did you feel the earth move?

2011-08-26T08:44:00.006-05:00

I did. Because I actually wrote actual words to an actual book last night. And I started working on a synopsis. Yes, not only did the earth move, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Hell might have also frozen over. Sorry Satan. I'll send you a parka.

Now, this wasn't some major breakthrough of a million billion words or anything, but I did manage 555 brand new words to an actual story that I've been sitting on for almost 3 years. Crazy huh?

My Fictionistas were a big help last night. Thanks ladies for the ~~beatings~~ encouragement. And a special thanks to Rhonda Stapleton for getting this song stuck in my head.

And in other and much more FUN news...

My awesome, talented, lovely friend Stacey Jay has a new book out that must be purchased forthwith.

JULIET IMMORTAL

These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume."
—Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

The most tragic love story in history . . .

Juliet Capulet didn't take her own life. She was murdered by the person she trusted most, her new husband, Romeo Montague, a sacrifice made to ensure his own immortality. But what Romeo didn't anticipate was that Juliet would be granted eternity, as well, and would become an agent for the Ambassadors of Light. For 700 years, she's fought Romeo for the souls of true lovers, struggling to preserve romantic love and the lives of the innocent. Until the day she meets someone she's forbidden to love, and Romeo, oh Romeo, will do everything in his power to destroy that love.

Here's a picture of us together at a joint book signing we did in Oxford in 2009. I MISS YOU STACEY JAY!

it's been a while...

2011-08-25T10:11:00.005-05:00

Not only is that one of my favorite STAIND songs of all time...it is also an accurate statement when it comes to me and writing.

It has definitely BEEN A WHILE.

A long while.

I wrote something back in the early spring, just as an exercise to see if I could still actually write. It was 5 pages of therapy disguised as fiction. I felt amazingly better after writing (therapy does that, yo) but I didn't latch on to that feeling and continue to write.

And kinda like exercise, once you stop, it's really hard to start back.

I've talked about it getting back to the keyboard over the past year, but it just hasn't quite happened. Tonight...that's changing. I've got a writing date with my gal pal Rhonda Stapleton. We're gonna write at the same time and periodically check in with our progress. Because I have to do this or I'm afraid I'll lose something I love forever. And I really don't want that to happen.

Also, I have some stories that I'd like to tell...

Tomorrow, I plan to check in and let you guys know what my word count was. Let's hope the count will be at least 1...

2 years ago today...I blogged about Kissing.

2011-08-24T11:17:00.003-05:00

Because I'm feeling lazy and also because I like this story, I think I'll repost it here for your reading pleasure...

Kissing can be good (very good), bad (very bad), and sometimes it can be downright ugly. And yes, even very ugly.

This is a story about a downright (very) ugly kisser. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I was in 8th grade and in love with a boy named Conan*. Conan was everything I thought I wanted in a boy. He was funny, handsome, tall, athletic and did I mention handsome? I wanted me some Conan like I wanted the newest pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.

A mutual friend of ours was having a party and it was going to be my first boy-girl party. (shut up. things were different back then.) Unfortunately, my mother decided to chaperone said party as well, but that's a different part of this story and one that will remain locked in the vault.

That night, I decided to try to look like a girl. I wore my hair down (it was always in a hat or a ponytail), put on makeup (according to mom my eyes looked like spiders from an Alfred Hitchcock movie) and even wore a shirt without a sports logo on it. See? I could totally be a girl.

Conan noticed me and we flirted and slow-danced all night. Finally, the moment had come and it was time for Conan to kiss me. (I believe it was a Lionel Richie song that was playing)

He didn't so much kiss me as he did eat my face.

And his tongue? It wasn't so much as touching mine as it was filling my mouth. I'm pretty sure I was chewing on it, in hopes to survive without choking to death.

It was the biggest let down ever. A dude with so much potential, a dude I had crushed on for several months, a dude who couldn't kiss worth a damn.

I was shocked and of course, completely disappointed. But Conan was everything I wanted except for the kissing part. Maybe I could help him improve? I tried that night several times but unfortunately, his tongue kept getting bigger. I found myself wondering how he kept that thing inside his mouth.

So here's my question, can a bad kisser be retrained? Or do two bad kissers just wind up together because nobody else wants them?

*not O' Brien :)

Super Nerd is Super!

2011-08-23T09:34:00.006-05:00

My kid is awesome. He also isn't quite right in the head, but I love him anyway. Yes, he wore this to school today. These pants are his 2nd pair of "John Daly" pants. (see other pair below)He has to wear a tie on game days (football starts tonight, YAY!) and so he figures if he's gotta wear a tie, he should wear it with "style." Ahem. Well, he is his own person, that's for sure...

In other news, I woke up full of anger and discontent this morning but after I fed on the souls of several babies, kicked a kitten*, and drank 4 cups of coffee, I felt much better.
Honestly, the souls of the innocent work every time. You should try it.

*ETA: no actual kittens were harmed in this mornings kicking... Don't send me any hate mail because you have no sense of humor. Mmmkay? Or send it...and then I'll blog about it. Yeah. Do that.

paperclips and grilled cheese

2011-08-22T10:31:00.006-05:00

Why do you think my titles should have anything to do with my actual blog post?

There was a new review of BITE ME! posted last week that made me smile. I love it when someone picks up my book reluctantly and then ends up ~~thinking it kicks Twilight in the ass~~ pleasantly surprised. Makes my day.

I painted some metal outdoor furniture this weekend. My hands are all cramped up now, but it makes it easier to hold a soda can. No effort at all now. So if holding a soda can (or beer bottle) has been a problem for you in the past, just spray paint furniture for several hours at a time and that problem will fix itself!

I was going for beachy colors, but wound up with Easter Egg colors instead. But it's an easy fix. Gonna repaint the blue table -- Orange(originally I had wanted to be more of an aquamarine than pastel.)

El Jefe and I also split time on the John Deere. Lots of mowing occurred on Saturday, thanks to the massive amounts of rain we've had (finally) over the past 2 weeks.

Sunday, we made our way to Birdrunner's new place where El Jefe worked on electronic stuff while we talked about putting boxed stuff in the attic. It was a planning session, you see. No actual boxes were put in the corner, because nobody puts boxes in a corner! (or an attic) I also enjoyed her new deck and water feature. As well as the Bud Light Lime.

I also ate nachos.

Mmmmmmm

2011-08-19T09:02:00.003-05:00

I made good foods last night. Bacon-wrapped Rosemary Chicken and roasted potatoes with wilted garlic spinach. I would have gotten marked down for the plating, but as for the taste, I might have even pleased Chef Ramsey. Maybe.

And then it put me in a coma. I'm not exactly sure what time I started dozing on the couch, but it was early. I'm sure I was mouth-breathing and drooling into Lake Melf when El Jefe woke me up and suggested I make the bed my new home.

The weekend is here y'all. Get your Sparkle On. I had to fight off a couple of Twi-hards but I finally managed to kill a sparkle-pire and gain my sparkle back. I hope you're wearing your shades today...because I'm shining bright!

a parenting PSA

2011-08-18T14:23:00.004-05:00

Dear Adults with Children aka Parents,

If you partake in fun adult stuff with other adults and use your phones as a medium (ie: take naughty pics, sexting, F*$!booking) You might not want to allow your kids access to that phone for music and games. Because if you don't delete, they will look at your stuff. And they will tell their friends. And their friends will tell their friends. And then all the friends parents will know and that might make for an awkward moment or two at the next PTA meeting.

Love,
Melf

Now you know...

my favorite part of the morning...

2011-08-16T09:21:00.002-05:00

I love to walk the dogs in the morning because without fail, they go visit Baby Bear. It's kinda awesome. (BTW, Clementine always walks with us. We have cats that don't realize they aren't dogs...and I have a dog (Ruby) who thinks she's a cat. Yes, everything I touch requires therapy)

weekend run down

2011-08-15T09:21:00.004-05:00

Friday night... a lovely evening on the screened in porch while a summer storm tried its best to beat us down. We prevailed.

Saturday, El Jefe and I headed over to the Crater of Diamonds State Park where we had every intention of finding all the diamonds. Ever.

Mission incomplete.

We did come home completely exhausted with a pocket full of rocks so it was not a total bust. I mean, who doesn't want a pocket full of rocks?

Sunday, after many morning hours of lounging in the hammock...I finally got vertical, grabbed a beer and jumped onto the John Deere to get my mowing on. The Compound was starting to look a little overgrown...especially after getting rained on for 3 days last week. I mowed for probably 3 hours or so, then Jefe came back over and he pulled out the big guns...and started to power wash the porch and the patio furniture I want to repaint.

Project started! YAY!

In other news, due to some unforeseen stress last week, I have fallen behind on my recaps for Hey Don't Judge Me. I will be working hard today to get all caught up. Thanks for understanding!

Oh and just for funsies, check out Rader playing guitar over the weekend. He's been taking lessons for about 2 months now.... Recognize the song?

PIE. it's what's for dinner.

2011-08-12T08:51:00.006-05:00

I'm sad. Former Warrant front man Jani Lane was found dead in his LA Hotel. (I know, slightly cliche, but whatever) I was a big fan of the hair bands back in the day and saw Warrant live 3 times.

Ah. Those were the days of bangs with their own zip code, short skirts, ripped pants, and looooooooong jackets (with shoulder pads, of course). RIP Jani Lane. Thanks for the memories.

In other news, El Jefe and I are thinking about going to dig for diamonds this weekend. Or maybe take in a wax museum. Wax museums creep me out so that should be interesting if we decide to go.... if you don't hear from me on Monday, you'll know they came alive and made me one of their own...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEE SQUARED

2011-08-11T09:23:00.004-05:00

This is my fav pic of me and Dee.I love you, my friend.

from bad to good

2011-08-10T10:45:00.005-05:00

Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. You wouldn't have liked anything I had to say anyway, so it's probably good that I just took some down time. I hate bad days, and I honestly thought yesterday was going to be the worst of the worst for a while.

But it actually turned out to be a really good day by the end, and that was a lovely surprise.

We saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes which was actually a fantastic movie! (Hard to watch at times because really--who would be mean to a monkey? er, I mean ape?) Go see it. And then go read Melody's recap at Hey Don't Judge Me.

Then last night, it was so nice outside after a lovely day of rain, that we were able to enjoy lots of quality hammock time. (is it wrong that every time I say "Hammock Time" I actually hear it in my head like "Hammer Time?") so from now on...you'll hear it too: "Hammock Time--can't touch this."

and I had fun snapping pics of my feet because I'm weird like that.

You're welcome.

hazy shade of weekend exhaustion

2011-08-08T10:15:00.005-05:00

I love this song, just wanted to share..

The weekend was a good one spent with friends and the boys and of course, El Jefe. It was also slightly stressful at times, but some of that was my own fault. I think (hope) the source of the stress is no longer going to be a problem. Because I don't really do stress well. It just isn't in my general make up. It sucks me of all my energy and sparkle. And honestly, Melf without sparkle is no Melf at all.

After spending a lovely Friday evening with my girl Dee Squared, the guys and I watched a couple of movies. Well, they watched the movies, I apparently fell into a coma. So Saturday, after shopping Tax Free with everyone else in the state of Arkansas, I rewatched The Adjustment Bureau and The Green Hornet. I really enjoyed both movies.

Then we rented Rango and King's Speech. Rango was graphically pretty amazing, and the movie was cute, too. King's Speech wouldn't play for me. *sad face*

Yesterday was the final swim day at Birdrunner's before she leaves the sweet house with a pool for a sweet house with an awesome water feature. :) Ruby and I spent some QT cooling off...

Then a storm blew through so we exited the pool and continued to play inside...

I need all the caffeines in the world today. All of them. I had some crazy dreams all night and it feels like I Forrest Gumped it across America and back in my sleep.

commando

2011-08-05T09:20:00.004-05:00

Today is NATIONAL UNDERWEAR DAY. (really??) Guess what National Underwear People? You are not the boss of me. *sticks tongue out*

Dudes! looks like our server issues at HDJM are fixed and now my Bachelorette Finale and After the Final ~~Blows~~ Rose recaps are up! I will admit that I made myself laugh out loud several times. I crack myself up.

Project Runway episode 1 will be live this morning and episode 2 will be up this afternoon if all is right in the world. (again, I am cracking myself up with these recaps. Something is wrong with me, and that's all right.)

It's Back to School Black Weekend (Tax Free Shopping). I will be the one dressed as Xena Warrior Princess. I have my sword and shield at the ready and also, my pretty blonde friend will be there to accessorize the ensemble. And don't think I won't cut you over a pack of real wood pencils. Because I will. Twice. And if I kill you, I'll totally bag you up and throw you in my mossy pond with the other dead hookers. I mean, never mind.

my favorite math

2011-08-04T09:06:00.004-05:00

The only math I'm good at is Lottery Math and so this morning while I was driving my kid to football practice at 6:15 AM, we did Lottery Math.

Rader feels like once we win the lottery, $15M should be just about right for him. Yes, that's what he thinks I should give him...hahaha. I said I would give he and his brother the same amount and it would remain in a Trust Fund until they were 30.

Apparently this was unacceptable. He should have more money than his brother and he should have full access to it at 18.

Keep dreaming kid.

While I'm spending money I don't have, I believe after I do win the lottery, I'm going to hire someone to drive my kid to his predawn football practices. Don't punish me, bro! That ain't fair!

I'm very happy to announce that I'm going to be adding Project Runway to my recap resume over at Hey Don't Judge Me! I'm working on Episode 1 right now and am planning to have future episodes up on Friday afternoons.

Sadly, we're still having some behind the scenes upgrade activity, so I can't post anything new yet. My Bachelorette posts are ready to go and I have high hopes I'll have them up today, as well as my first Project Runway. I'll keep you posted. But just because I like you, I'll give you a little sneak peek of what I'm writing:

Julie Tierney, Grand Junction, CO is showing a collection of things made from blankets. I'm not even kidding. You know those woven blankets you can buy for $10 at every southern and midwestern convenience store? We always called them "Indian" blankets growing up. She is seriously making dresses out of them. Or that should probably be "dresses." it's an "outerwear" collection and Nina says "You have a passion for outerwear, clearly." What I heard in my head was "You have a horse blanket fetish."

The gayest of all the gays is Gunnar Deatherage from Louisville, KY. Heidi wants to see his look for an average woman. I'm expecting him to pull out yoga pants and a sweatshirt in a size L (or possibly XL, if it's Thanksgiving) Instead he pulls out this pastel pink dress made from satin sheets, crystals, and broken dreams. I need to go to Louisville and meet some of his average woman peer group.

I'm not going to talk about the heat. Y'all know it's hot. I don't need to keep harping on it...I'm usually the one bitching about people who bitch about the heat anyway. (You can bitch about the winter all day, though.) I have air and electricity and there are plenty of people who don't right now (Benton, AR where a substation caught fire yesterday) so I'm gonna be thankful and happy about it.

Oh and for you Kindle owners, you can request an autograph for my books on Kindle now. It's pretty darn cool...check it out: Kindlegraph

Hello Humpday. What you got for me today?

2011-08-03T10:55:00.005-05:00

Popsicles taste better in a hammock.

Today we register Rader for 8th grade and that's just weird to think that I have an 8th grader...who's almost 6ft tall. WTF?
In other news, the double hammocks do indeed work for two people who are not pint-sized.
I have finished both my recaps for the Bachelorette Finale and After the Final Rose but Hey Don't Judge Me is offline right now for server upgrades. Hopefully we'll be back up and you can read all the goodness that is crappy TV.
I woke this morning to this:

Today is Wine Wednesday but I'm not sure it's gonna happen as per usual. We shall see.

Oh and for the recent visitors to my blog who are looking for Melissa Francis from CNBC ...Let me answer what I can for you: Yes she has great legs. Yes she's married (to Wray Thorn, I believe)--at least she was this time last year when she had a baby. I have no idea how her tits look, but from the number of searches looking for them, they must be fabulous. You can find her on twitter @MelissaCNBC and if you work your google-fu properly, you can find an awesome Frosted Flakes commercial she did when she was a kid. And in that commercial, her eyebrows are amazing. Wait, here's a fun interview I did with her in 2009 and I posted the commercial at the end...it's pretty fantastic.

Melfcellaneous

2011-08-02T08:45:00.005-05:00

I'm so witty.

Sometimes blog titles are hard especially when you have a lot of nothing to talk about.

My recap of Bachelorette: Men ~~Wear Panties~~ Tell All is up at Hey Don't Judge Me!
I'm working on last night's Bachelorette Finale and After the Rose recap. Planning to post sometime today.
You know you're the mother of boys when your early morning discussions over coffee are all about farts. It was an in depth discussion covering all aspects of farting from aroma to consistency. I am mother of the year.
BITE ME! got a 5 Star review yesterday and it popped up on my news feed and I am excited (because this book is 2 years old and new reviews are few and far between!) I commented and then I had to save her comment back because she didn't wanna like the book because it's a vampire book but she ended up loving it! Here's the brief review. A detailed review will be on her blog 8/19 and of course, I'll be ~~bragging~~ posting.
Here's proof she didn't wanna like it but did anyway:

I realize posting the picture of our conversation makes me a dork, but I'm good with that.
Hammocks really might be the key to happiness. I am doing extensive research on the subject.
During last night's research, I had to test El Jefe's hammock. It's very important to collect as much data as possible, otherwise I'd just be wasting my time. I highly recommend testing hammocks in your PJs

The heat index this week is going to be consistently in the 115 degree range. I like the sun, I have never had any intention of living on it.
I had to call AT&T last night and by the time I finally got to the correct automated menu I was about to have a stroke. Hammock therapy helped me through. As did a glass or two of Kim ~~Cattrall~~ Crawford.

what's in a hammock? and other stuff.

2011-08-01T09:19:00.006-05:00

Me! I'm in a hammock!

(Not Pictured: El Jefe)

Last weekend in Oxford, we stopped by a sporting goods store which I for the life of me can't think of the name right now. I think it starts with a K. Something like Kincaids or Kincannons, or maybe Kancoon. Who knows? And who cares, for that matter. El Jefe has had his eye on these hammocks, you see...and now we can swing from the trees as we were meant to do. His is all manly in Army green and navy and mine is perfectly bright and awesome like me. They are technically double hammocks, so when it cools down, we can snuggle. I say technically because I'm pretty sure they are only double hammocks if you're both anorexic and only 5 ft. tall. But whatever. We'll try it...when it's no longer Eleventy Million Degrees outside.

I worked my booty off yesterday. (Sadly, it came back overnight) I mowed and blowed (leaves) and cleaned my porch and poisoned weeds, and tried to have a heat stroke... And now my yard looks fantastic! I'm pretty sure I did all the outside work to avoid doing all the inside work. My house is a bit of a pit right now and I keep procrastinating. Wait, it's not procrastinating if I'm working in the yard. RIGHT?

Now it's time for the gratuitous doggy pics.

Saturday I went to Robyn's house so that we could enjoy the pool for our last hurrah before she moves. I'm sure gonna miss that pool, but I'm really looking forward to the new digs and my new guest room. (it's the room where the wine bar is, btw) So here's this year's Robyn and Mel in the pool shot:

Compare that to last year's Mel and Robyn in the pool pic:

Farewell my blue-watered friend! You will be missed...

Oh! And El Jefe and I went to see the very much anticipated (by me) Jon Favreau movie COWBOYS AND ALIENS. I wanted to love this movie so very much because I love Jon Favreau so very much. The only word I have in my vocabulary to describe it... Meh.

And that makes me so very sad. It was okay. Wait for the DVD...

friday miscellaneous

2011-07-29T09:23:00.006-05:00

This smile? Courtesy of Friday.

The Watson's house did NOT eat my hair dryer. This is very good news, because I like their house a whole lot.
I woke this morning to the sounds of war with the excavation crew across this street blowing shit up like Bin Laden was still alive hiding in a bed of quartz.
Bobcat is going to have to learn to use his teeth and claws for evil ON SOMEONE ELSE. He is biting the hand that feeds him. Soon he will be implanted permanently in a wall if he isn't careful.
I had fun looking through some old pics on my computer last night. I found this lovely item

This is me in 9th grade. I had the worst "jump" shot ever. Am I even off the ground? Also? The hair is pretty much an awesome mullet. Because you couldn't play basketball in the 80s and not have a mullet. I am a walking cliche. Aren't you glad you know me?

I also found my fat pictures. The ones I took as a "Before" shot. HOLY SHIT. My eyes! They burn! These are never to be seen by another living human ever again. Wow. I may have a long way to go, but I sure have come a long damn way, that's for certain.
I'm so ready for the weekend. This has been a crazy week and I need some down time. And some John Deere time. He's been missing me.
It looks like it might rain, so here's hoping...

Y'all have a great weekend. I plan to.

it's my right as your mom to give you something to talk about in therapy

2011-07-28T08:36:00.009-05:00

You're my kid. I'm gonna pay for your therapy anyway, so I'm gonna give you something to discuss. Like how your momma has ruined your life by posting pictures of you sleeping on the internetwebz where they will remain forever and ever.

Yes, this is what happens when you don't get out of bed in the mornings...

Oh and according to Sleeping Beauty, a giant ziplock back of Cap'n Crunch in your backpack helps you focus better. I mean, I always thought that's what the Concerta was for, but hey, if Cap'n Crunch is doing the same thing...carry on.

Sleeping Beauty also informed me that if I let the world know my secret identity, he would probably need even more therapy. I guess he didn't like that I was carrying my personalized backpack today. The very one given to me by the super hero delegation. This backpack works for me and me alone, as it is synced up with my DNA. (My evil twin sister keeps trying to take it from me, but my backpack is super smart. OR am I the evil twin sister? Hmmmm)

HELP THIS IS THE REAL SUPERGIRL! MY DNA EQUAL HAS STOLEN MY IDENTITY! SAVE ME!

Shut up, you! Do I even look remotely evil? You're the evil one. And I look better in pink.

NO YOU'RE EVIL!

I'm rubber and you're glue.

SAVE ME INTERNETZ! DON'T LET HER USE MY BACKPACK OF AWESOME! NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF THIS!

No good can come of you wearing pink. Where's the super glue? Oh, there it is...Suck it, Super Bad. I'm the real Supergirl and you're just SOL.

MMFMFMFMFFFFFMMMMMMMM

Aw. Someone isn't so super after all.

Can y'all do me a favor? (because I'm asking, not because I'm going to use my super powers for evil and cover the world in locusts and booger flavored jelly beans) If you guys are on Facebook (and you know you are) Will you please go "like" our HEY DON'T JUDGE ME page? And if you're reading the recaps, can you "like" the ones you dig? Because we're trying to get advertisers so we can get paid and we're really, really close to that, so the more you LIKE the better chance we have of making a dime or two and becoming internetz famous.

And you KNOW you want me to be internetz famous. Even more so than being the "other" Melissa Francis. You know, the one not on TV...(true story, I always wanted to be on Little House on the Prarie. I figured if there were 3 other Melissa's on that show, then I should be, too...)

yo yo yo

2011-07-27T12:05:00.003-05:00

Ain't got much for you today. My Bachelorette recap is up! (sorry I'm late. Can you believe I'm actually expected to work sometimes?)

Other than that, I am still wanting a half grape/half peach Cajun Sno and may have to get me one at lunch today.

your house ate my hair dryer. Also we discuss camel toes.

2011-07-26T08:36:00.006-05:00

First off, I think the Watson's house ate my hair dryer. They can't find it anywhere, yet it's not in my bag or car... So the only logical answer is their house ate it.

Secondly, someone in Australia googled "bitchin camel toe" and my website was #93 in the search results. That is very disappointing. I would have thought we'd have ranked much higher in the bitchin camel toe department. So now I have a goal to be ranked in the top 10. I know that's a big jump, but I'm sure where there's a will, a camel, and a toe, we can make it happen. I know I can count on y'all for help, right? These pics should help...

The other thing I'm getting lots of searches for is "Pin Up Nurse with Red Hair" and "Nurse Shoes Pin Up" Hmmmm. Someone's got a little fetish going on...not that I blame you.

My two favorite searches recently have been "Superior boobs" (thank you!) and "Ames Bachelorette Retarted look" (Bless his heart.)

Okay, let's go back to the bitchin camel toe for a second. SURELY THOSE AREN'T REAL TATTOOS?! I mean, how drunk and stupid do you have to be to tattoo a camel to your toe? I'm all about the tattoo...but c'mon! How would you explain that one to the grandkids? "MawMaw just really had a thing for camel toes..."

Uh. No. Thank. You.

I'm going to be working on my Bachelorette recap today...hoping to have it posted shortly after lunch, but it might be later. It was a good one (despite the Presidential Interruptus! He totally hijacked the show just as one of the final 3 Douchetestants was breaking up with Ashley! It was a Presidential Cock Block!) I suppose if you're ever gonna get cock blocked, it really doesn't get much better than directly from the White House.

I blame Max

2011-07-25T08:37:00.006-05:00

For introducing me to blueberry vodka. From now on...it's all his fault. Always.

Oxford was fun. We swam, played, rested, rinse, repeat. The weather was damn near perfect! I think it was only mid-80s on Saturday, which felt like a damn cold wave compared to the triple digits we'd been experiencing lately.

Many, many thanks to the Watson's for giving us a bed to sleep in and a pool to swim in and a fridge to store our beverages in! (I think I left my hair dryer...oops)

We saw HP7 part deux while in town. I liked the movie a lot and thought that overall they did the series justice with way they filmed it. Snape's story line was beautifully told and very touching. I got a little tear a couple of times, but didn't openly cry like I had been warned I would do. Guess I'm hardcore and didn't even know it.

I think I might try to actually WRITE SOMETHING this week. I spent much of the drive plotting a couple of story ideas...something I haven't really done in a long time. When I wrote BITE ME and LOVE SUCKS I actually plotted them out during my drives from Oxford to Little Rock. I guess the only thing that has changed is the direction of the drive...wish me luck!

IT'S TIME

2011-07-21T09:34:00.001-05:00

thank God I have a hair appointment today. That is all.

I have no title so suck it Trebek

2011-07-20T09:14:00.004-05:00

I hit the reset button yesterday after the morning from hell and overall the day turned out okay. My air still isn't fixed, but they swear it will be taken care of TODAY. I'm pretty sure they had the part shipped from China via the Pony Express. I hope it's repaired today because I'd actually like to go home and do stuff like laundry before we head out of town on Friday. (Hey Oxford...are you ready for us?)

My Bachelorette recap was posted yesterday. I'm pretty stoked about seeing the next episode of drama when we meet Ashley's crazy freaking sister Amy Winehouse. She looks and acts like her, so as far as I'm concerned, that's who she is...It's gonna be a good time, y'all.

I really wanna Yard Art Farm. Yes. I have a thing for large metal animals. ESPECIALLY the 5ft Giant Metal Flamingo that Galaxy Furniture has. El Jefe and I have decided we should buy one of each of the metal animals and position them around my flower bed like it's a trough...and then just move them all slightly each day so it looks like they're alive.

But whether I do a yard art metal animal farm or not, my life may not be complete without the giant metal flamingo. I'm for serious.

Especially since Lumpy the Drunk decapitated my little metal flamingo a few weeks ago. A GIANT metal flamingo would totally rid the place of all negative energy. Like burning a bundle of sage by the doorway. Only it's PINK and GIANT and in my yard! (and not on fire, because there is a burn ban right now...)

and now...just because this always makes me laugh like a loon, SNL's Jeopardy. I totally heart Will Ferrell. I know this isn't right on so many levels, but I can't help myself.

Also...suck it, Trebek.

this picture says it all

2011-07-19T08:38:00.002-05:00

Bobcat Greyskull has been mostly on his own for a few days since my air has been out of service and we haven't been staying at the ~~Easy Bake Oven~~ house. Last night, I stayed there (even with 3 fans pointed toward the bed, I was soaked with sweat until after 2 am). Anyway, BCGS was in full Spazzatron mode last night. That look you see there? That's what I experienced for 4 hours non-stop.

I have been punished appropriately for my sin of abandoning him. I apologize BCGS. I won't let it happen again.

This morning, I ~~bounce out of bed, totally well-rested~~ force myself upright, rubbing the lack-of-sleep tension out of my neck and shoulders, get ready for work, hop in the car...only to see the SERVICE ENGINE light come on. And when the car is in idle...it's revving. On its own. Like it belongs in a Stephen King novel...

Mom offers a ride. We head toward Little Rock with a song in our heart...only to be rear ended by some idiot who said "I slammed on my brakes!" No dude. You slammed into us. Anyway, my momma let him have it. I'm pretty sure he had no idea that a 72 year old, 5 ft tall woman could be such a badger. She made him take his bluetooth ear piece out and told him he needed to start paying attention to the cars in front of him, not whoever he had on the phone.

There was no damage, which was good, but he hit us hard enough that I was jolted forward and I will probably be hitting a chiropractor this week.

And that was my past 24 hours....so how was yours? I think I'm winning the one-up stories lately! So go ahead and try to beat me...